Archive - Jul 2010

July 30th

I Could Be On A Boat

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Memo to Sue Myrick, Patrick Hemingway, and Lino Lakes: YOU ARE DUMB.

I'm not playing Hydro Thunder Hurricane right now. I know that doesn't seem like a big deal to most of you, but Hydro Thunder and I have a rich history, going back to 9/9/99, when, with the state tax rebate offered by then-governor, pro wrestler, and shitty-but-better-than-Pawlenty politician Jesse Ventura, I bought me a launch day Dreamcast and a copy of the world's greatest boat racing game. So if I seem a bit unfocused, it's either because I'd rather be flinging powerboats off of cliffs toward Odin, or just because it's SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

First, let's finish the pseudo-conspiracy pseudo-theme pseudo-week with that bit I mentioned yesterday, where Rep. Sue Myrick of North Carolina (I believe we've come full circle there), famous for fearing deep-cover Muslim Capitol Hill interns, had a new theory about how we're all doomed. Someday we'll find it. The Venezuelan connection. The haters, the pathological delusioners, and her. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Well the thing that concerns me, and you mentioned this briefly, Iran is working with Venezuela. And they're transiting through Venezuela, taking Spanish for maybe six months. They're getting the false documents that they need, coming up through Mexico and if they're stopped, they just say well I'm Spanish. And it, oh I mean Mexican, and it only takes a smart border agent who knows the difference in the accents. He can tell, but if he doesn't have that, there's no way to know. And the other thing that we're seeing, and we're seeing it in your state in particular in the prisons is Farsi tattoos. Farsi is basically a Persian language, which Iran is, and we know we've seen Arabic tattoos in our prisons for a long time, but we havent seen Farsi tattoos in a long time. That's a pretty good indication that these people coming across our border are not just coming from Mexico and other countries that are looking for work. And that's what scares me. - Sue Myrick, on some video where she's sitting in front of a wall of fake books.

I could unpack that, but you've all been reading all week. I think we both know what needs to be said here. Moving on.


The estate of Ernest Hemingway, as represented by his octogenarian son Patrick, has signed a deal to sell a line of $150-$300 Hemingway-branded shoes, for people whose feet are worried that women might cut off their foot-penises. Either metaphorically or literally.

Models include The Sun Also Lifts, A Farewell To Bunions, Across The River And Into The Trees Without A Blister, To Have Or Have On Layaway, and Did You Know There's No Way To Work "Loafers" Into "The Old Man And The Sea".


And finally, a shoutout to Lino Lakes, an outer-ring suburb of St. Paul. They just passed an English-only ordinance, making them the official nouveaux-redneck frontier of the Twin Cities Metro. Congratulations! You're the man! No, seriously. You're totally being The Man.

They claim it's not a racist or nativist thing, but that it's merely a cost-saving measure so that they don't have to pay for translation services... except in the areas of education, health, and public safety, thanks to pesky federal civil rights laws. Of course, they don't pay for translation services -now-, since the closest thing Lino Lakes has to "foreigners" are people from Fridley, and most of them speak English.

And I'd like to give special thanks to Linoid Carl Palmquist, for putting to rest once and for all the pesky, liberal canard that this is in any way xenophobic:

"I'm tired of going to restaurants and hearing these new families speaking their native tongue to their kids. There doesn't seem to be any teaching of English to kids in their families." - Palmquist, at the board meeting where the resolution passed.

Unfortunately, since the law only prevents the local government from providing some forms in languages other than English, Carl "Harry" Palmquist's gonna have to endure all kinds of foreign jibba-jabba in Lino Lakes'... um... two restaurants. If Google is to be believed, at least. Stay classy, outer ring!