Archive - Jun 7, 2010

The Incredible Mr. Limpdick

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Memo to Jake Knotts: YOU ARE DUMB.

One story I didn't bother covering here in the past week or two is the story of Nikki Haley, a Republican running for governor of South Carolina. In the past few weeks, two dudes in South Carolina politics have come forward to claim affairs with Haley, one an ongoing thing, the other a one-night stand. I haven't covered it because Haley is denying it completely, and so far seems to be getting away with that.

But barring a Sanford-style hilarious revelation, it's only a little bit funny and a little bit sad. And in South Carolina, no political situation can be left at only a little bit funny and a little bit sad. And that's where Jake Knotts steps into the picture. Knotts, a state senator, is supporting is supporting Lt. Governor Andre "feeding poor people is like feeding animals" Bauer. He went on an Internet talk show, "Pub Politics", and let fly with this Quote Of The Year nominee. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"We already got one raghead in the White House. We don’t need another in the Governor’s Mansion."

You see, Nikki Haley is the child of of Indian Sikh immigrants. She's now a Methodist, but that means as little to a lard-ass pigfucking hick like Knotts as Obama's Christianity does, apparently. One of the most amazing things about this is that it's rare that you get a straight-up racial slur dropped on-air by a politician. Even a Southern politician at the state level. Even those guys have learned to work one level of dog-whistle code away from the straight-up racism. You know, like Andre Bauer did.

This means Knotts can't hide behind plausible deniability. He's on tape calling an ethnically Sikh Republican a "raghead". How would he handle it? What would his shitty excuse be? Would he go above and beyond the call of duty and provide a crappy rationalization that would reverberate through the ages? Of course he would.

"Unfortunately, the show was not recorded as was intended. If it had been recorded, the public would be able to hear firsthand that my 'raghead' comments about Obama and Haley were intended in jest. Bear in mind that this is a freewheeling, anything-goes Internet radio show that is broadcast from a pub. It’s like local political version of Saturday Night Live, which is actually where the joke came from. Since my intended humorous context was lost in translation, I apologize."

Oh, where to begin. Let's start with his claim that there's a comedy context in which his joke is excusable. I mean, there is one, but it lives on a deep level of irony that, for jowly white Republicans like Knotts, might as well be fucking Mars. They'll never get there, they couldn't survive if they got there, and they probably think it's a candy bar.

Not to mention that he Canadian girlfriends the shit out of that context anyway - whoops, the show wasn't recorded, so you'll never know the context that totally justifies me calling Haley and Obama "ragheads". You know, like they did on Saturday Night Live, which, as a weekly comedy show performed in New York City, is just like a bar in South Carolina.

But the best part? His claim that the joke CAME FROM Saturday Night Live. Now, as excuses go, this seems wildly implausible and easily checked. Wildly implausible because, as someone who follows the news closely, I'd think a "raghead" sketch would prompt at least one or two news stories that I'd see. And easily checked, because many Saturday Night Live episodes are actually recorded for future second airings, what the TV industry calls "reruns". It's so easy to check that nobody did it except for one Huffington Post blogger.

Jason Linkins, bless his journalistic soul, only found two instances of the word "raghead" in SNL - both deeply ironic, one from the first season, and one from fourteen years later. So it seems like Knotts is lying out of his racist redneck ass on this one. Still, we could give him the benefit of the doubt. I mean, if he did use "raghead" in a completely comedic and racism-free context, his further comments on Haley's gubernatorial bid should show that, right? Right. Bear with me - this needs to be a long quote, as you'll see.

"After the broadcast, Knotts stood in a corner on the deck of the bar and defended his remarks. 'This isn’t the first time I’ve said it,' Knotts said. 'I’m not on a crusade to downgrade her, but if someone asks me I’ll tell ‘em. And look here, someone wants to vote for her knowing the truth, vote for her.' Knotts said that South Carolina is a religious community. 'We need a good Christian to be our governor,' he said. 'She’s hiding her religion. She ought to be proud of it. I’m proud of my god.'

Knotts says he believes Haley’s father has been sending letters to India saying that Haley is the first Sikh running for high office in America. He says her father walks around Lexington wearing a turban. 'We’re at war over there,' Knotts said. Asked to clarify, he said he did not mean the United States was at war with India, but was at war with 'foreign countries.'" - The Columbia Free Times.

See? He's not racist. He just conflates "turban" with "the enemy", tries to justify it by implying that India isn't a foreign country, and thinks that heritage and religion are interchangeable as long as they have the same foreign-sounding name. Oh, and thinks that only Christians are qualified to be governor of South Carolina, because, I guess, they won't have affairs or get divorced, making their state the national laughingstock for months on end.

I anxiously await his attempt to explain away a burning cross on Haley's lawn as a combination bug-zapper and Itty Bitty Book Light. That he only tried because he saw it on Mad TV one time.