Archive - Jun 16, 2010

What's Got Two Thumbs And Three Quotes?

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Memo to Chuck Todd, Darin Miller, and Joe Carnahan: YOU ARE DUMB.

It's human nature to look at the world and filter the things you see and hear through a fundamentally self-centered view of the universe. It's also human nature to hit people on the head with sticks. Some of us try to look past our own inherent prejudices and see things as they are, even if that's not in our own best interest. Others of us are IDIOTS who SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"He didn't need to woo the press anymore. The press was there at the drop of a hat. To him, almost all the experience with the press is invasive... He's developed this disdain for us." - Chuck Todd, complaining about not being invited to Obama's house for barbecue or something.

The second-best way to truly understand the limitations of journalism is to have a news story written about you or a subject you know a lot about. The absolute best way to understand this is to be a journalist and have a modicum of self-awareness, but that almost never happens, and it's certainly never happened to Chuck Todd, who's made a career out of promoting establishment narratives.

So to Chuck Todd, the fact that Obama has a disdain for the press is a pathology that needs to be explained. For the rest of us, however, it's enough to assume that Obama's actually met the press. Nobody has more stories written about them than the president, and now that we have one who's literate, he can actually see when they're wrong, or delusional, or just transcribing something they heard from Politico, who heard it from the RNC. You're lucky all he has is a palpable disdain, fuckers.

"The film’s greatest gem however is Alfred Molina as Sheik Amar, a self-described unscrupulous small businessman. He waxes moderately and eloquently about a great evil that plagues the empire: taxes. His exasperation over government attempts to control his business, and later over the secret government-run, tax-funded assassin organization that is after Dastan, left the audience I watched with laughing and even clapping. This harmless film is complete with a significant message regarding brotherly bonds and government involvement. Not a bad way to start the summer." - Big Hollywood's Darin Miller, waxing stupidly over the Prince of Persia movie.

When it comes to filtering the entire universe through an incredibly narrow mind, you can't do better than Big Hollywood. In the example above, I beg of you, avert your eyes from the complete and utter train wreck of a phrase that is "He waxes moderately and eloquently...". I know it's hard. It was hard for me, too. But treat it like the Ark of the Covenant. Avert your eyes.

Instead, look at one word. UNSCRUPULOUS. A character who is, by self-admission, engaging in unethical behavior is upset that the government is interfering in that behavior. And Darin Miller... applauds it! Because it's couched in anti-tax and anti-government rhetoric that is the very milk he suckles from Andrew Breitbart's ample teat, he actually admits, albeit inadvertently, that he wants the government to get out of the way of businessmen ripping the public off. Not a bad way to start the summer, indeed.

"I keep reading we're remaking The A-Team, but how the hell do you remake a TV series that ran four years? It's idiotic! You can re-engineer and re-imagine it, but it's definitely not a remake." - Joe Carnahan, director of The A-Team, shouting incoherently at someone from Reuters.

And while we're speaking of summer movies, Joe Carnahan needs to get over the fact that his job is making moderately shitty summer action movies. That's not a bad job, dude. It pays well, you get to rub elbows with famous people, and Reuters gives a shit what you say no matter how stupid and vain it is. That makes you better off than pretty much every one else in America. Certainly in the top 50,000.

You re-made the A-Team, motherfucker. You know how you remake a TV series that ran four years? You take the one plot it used during that whole time, work in the catchphrases and props that got used for the entire four-year run, you give a UFC homophobe a mohawk, and you throw in a bunch of action sequences, and then you run to the bank with your huge pile of money. Which, from all reports, is exactly what Carnahan did, and if he's not happy with the perceived artistic merits of his work, then he's welcome to go write books of poetry for the rest of his life and let some other grateful sucker take over the film remake of Jake and the Fatman.