Archive - Jun 11, 2010

Nature's Fuckety Bounty: Stupidity Edition

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Memo to a truly epic variety of fuckheads: YOU ARE DUMB.

For various scheduling reasons, there may not be a column Monday or Tuesday or both. So I figure I'd better give you your money's worth (like I do every day) and pack as many different stories into today's column as I can. Coincidentally, today is Friday, so I guess this makes it SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

The Vatican responded in predictable fashion to the news last month that scientists had created an artificial cell. Some were reasonable in that way where you can tell they're trying very hard to be reasonable. But Bishop Domenico Mogavero was a bit... harsh.

"Pretending to be God and parroting his power of creation is an enormous risk that can plunge men into a barbarity. They should never forget that there is only one creator: God."

Tell you what. We'll stop pretending to be God if you stop pretending to be scientists, OK? Also, it's probably a good idea for Catholic bishops not use phrases like "plunging men into a barbarity" so soon after the latest boyfucking revelations.


Ted Haggard opened a new church. You remember Ted "fucked a gay prostitute" Haggard, right? Anyway, the news stories about his new church parroted his claim that his new church is "inclusive", and welcomes people who are "gay, straight, bi, tall, short". Sounds great. Don't get your hopes up, though. Just like with Ted Haggard's penis, there's always a but.

Haggard goes on to claim that people are welcome to receive his help as they struggle with the difficult things in their lives. And it sure as hell sounds like he's equating their homosexuality with other things they might struggle with, like weight loss and atheism. And he wants to bring people toward the Biblical ideal, which is married heterosexual relationships.

That's not inclusive. That's a kinder, gentler version of ex-gay bullshit.


Fuck SwearJarr. SwearJarr is a virtual "swear jar" for your Twitter feed. You type in your user-name, it analyzes your language, suggests a donation amount, then if you are stupid enough to give them the money, they'll donate it to charities of their choice. Which sounds nice, except, you know, the point of a swear jar is to convince people to swear less, and that's never a good thing.

By the way, according to SwearJarr, I already owe THIRTY TWO DOLLARS. And I've been on Twitter for less than three weeks. I'd get off easier if I fucking tithed.


Fans of the cancelled FlashForward...

Sorry. Thought I saw a unicorn riding a flying pig dragging Santa Claus's sleigh full of Saddam Hussein's WMD's while I was typing that. Don't know why.

Anyway, fans of the cancelled FlashForward are doing that thing that fans do, protesting the cancellation by being huge nerds. Their plans? To stage flash-mob-style "blackouts" like the one that opened (and, I'm told, that closed) the show. I don't think that'll work. If I see a bunch of nerds lying unconscious on the pavement, I don't think "Hey, bring FlashForward back", I think "Man, that Comicon walkathon was a lousy idea."


Apparently, Obama sullied the presidency by saying "ass". Next thing you know, we'll be paying for the oil spill with a public official swear jar. Or we could just cut out the middleman and confiscate Dick "Go Fuck Yourself" Cheney's assets.