Archive - May 6, 2010

How To Get My Attention

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Memo to Ken Cuccinelli: OK, OK, YOU'RE DUMB.

For fuck's sake, dude. I know I'm the pinnacle of stupid-mocking on the Internet, but that means it's a BAD thing for me to want to write about you. No matter how glowing my prose, no matter how purple, veiny, and girthy my dick jokes, you don't want to be the subject of one of my comedy polemics.

So why have you seemingly built your entire fucking career as Virginia's Attorney General around getting my attention?

Cuccinelli has only appeared in this column by inference. He's the attorney general for Virginia's total inflamed rectum of a governor, Bob McDonnell. McDonnell is famous for pretending he was socially moderate during the campaign, then immediately proving correct all of us who pointed out the homophobic writings in his 30's by yanking discrimination protections from gays and lesbians.

Cuccinelli first crossed my path when he tried to help out McDonnell's efforts by forcing Virginia's colleges and universities to strip any non-discrimination policies they may have had that applied to GLBT students. McDonnell walked him back on that, but only after public outcry.

But he was just getting warmed up. This son of a bitch treated crazy right-wing beliefs like a cross between the Stations Of The Cross and The Amazing Race. First stop? Birtherism! ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Someone is going to have to come forward with nailed down testimony that he was born in place B, wherever that is. You know, the speculation is Kenya. And that doesn’t seem beyond the realm of possibility." - Cuccinelli, at best appeasing the fears of some birther asking him a question.

Of course, as a state attorney general, Cindernelli was one of the first to try and use a states-rights argument to overturn the health care reform bill. That's so obvious I wouldn't be surprised if he filed legal briefs in his sleep. He's been caught echoing the "hold your breath" argument against regulating CO2. But then he got... weird. And creepy.

First there were the pins. The Virginia state seal includes an image of Virtus, the Roman goddess of virtue. Being a Roman goddess, she has one titty exposed. Cuccinelli decided to hand out pins with the state seal to his staff... but the pins had the titty covered up with an "armored breastplate", according to reports.

Because that's what this country needs. Another anti-titty general. Especially one with a penchant for awful excuses like this one:

"I cannot believe that joking with my staff about Virtue being a little more virtuous in this antique version has become news. This is simply a media-made issue that has become distracting to the work of my office." You're either lying, tone-deaf, or stupid. Possibly all three, come to think of it. And heaven forfend your office be distracted from its vitally important work of encouraging birthers, hating gays, and harassing climate scientists.

Did I mention creepy? He's going after the University of Virginia, trying to get them to turn over the work of climatologist Michael Mann. Why Mann? Because Mann was the source of the word "trick", which was the one word out of millions climate deniers seized on to misunderstand from the stolen "Climategate" e-mails. Like pretty much every single newsworthy action he's taken this year, Cuccinelli has no actual defensible basis for this.

Well, no basis beyond spiteful interference and harassment of people who threaten his agenda, of course. With Cuccinelli, this isn't just a modus operandi, it seems to be a chronic compulsion. Which means while he may not have appeared in this space much before today, he's almost guaranteed to show up plenty in the future.