Archive - May 26, 2010

Use Your Delusion

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Memo to Carl Fuermann, Eric Cantor, and Bart Stupak: YOU ARE DUMB.

Ah, delusion. Once considered a psychiatric condition worthy of treatment with electric shocks and icepicks, common delusion has become not just an acceptable part of modern American political discourse, but a necessary one. If I had to guess, I'd say that the Information Age has made it impossible for the people in charge of things to avoid exposure to the facts that prove them wrong, so they just convince themselves those facts are wrong so that they can sleep at night. And now, three classic examples of delusional thinking, as IDIOTS CONVINCE THEMSELVES OF THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"The basic concept is to try and get as many people to visualize that the valve is actually functioning and is working and closing. I'm very known for fixing things and making things work. I visualize things working and hold the belief that they actually work." - Carl Fuermann of Boulder, Colorado.

Carl works at a university registrar's office, which is a bit... ironic. You could say he's the gatekeeper to knowledge. Or, if you're me, he's more like a Manhattan doorman who will never be allowed to live in the building he lets people into every day. Fuermann also says he believes he fixed a friend's Flip camcorder by visualizing it. Now, we all know the friend just forgot where the power button was, but even if he did fix it with his mind-powers, I don't think there are enough visualizers on the fucking planet to make up the difference between a broken Flip camcorder and an oil volcano in the Gulf. And if there were, BP would have them on retainer.

"What the President said in that speech [in Cairo] was that he hoped to return to the days when we had a partnership with the Muslim world. That America 20, 30 years ago enjoyed some type of good relationship that now has gone awry. I don’t see it that way. I don’t see that somehow we need apologize for anything that America has done. Are we a perfect nation? By no means. Are we better than any else because of the exceptional nature of who we are? Yes." - Eric Cantor, on Fox News, where this kind of thing is de rigeur. Except for the French part.

Ah, delusions of grandeur, the most common delusions of all. We're a nation of goddamned six year olds, unable to go to sleep each night unless someone tells us a story about how we're the bestest in the world. Actually, I'd like to apologize to the six-year-olds of the world, because once you explained what "exceptional" means to the average six-year-old, even they'd realize what Cantor said was tautological self-fulfilling bullshit. We're better than everyone else because of our exceptional (better than everyone else) nature, which is who we are!

Let's just vote five hundred foam We're Number One fingers into office and be done with it, shall we? The only thing that'll change is that the State of the Union address will be about half an hour shorter.

"Ultimately, what stings the most isn’t the hatred. It’s that people tried to use abortion as a tool to stop health-care reform, even after protections were added. - Bart Stupak, writing for Newsweek.

Bart, I really wish the hate stung the most, because here's some more coming your way. There was one tool at the vanguard of using abortion as a tool to stop health-care reform, and his name was BART MOTHERFUCKING STUPAK. That's like Bush complaining that someone used 9/11 as an excuse to invade Iraq. Except in Bush's case, it didn't happen two months ago.

It was Stupak who decided the existing protections weren't enough. It was Stupak who insisted that if his even more restrictive language wasn't in the final bill, it wouldn't be moving forward. It was Stupak who held up progress for weeks while he acted like a prima donna. Yes, he eventually caved, but I literally have no fucking clue who Bart Stupak has deluded himself into thinking these "people" are. Was it perhaps Bizarro Stupak? The one that makes sense all the time, isn't an anti-choice douchebag, and should be re-elected? Because Bizarro Stupak should show up to legislative sessions a lot more often.