Archive - May 21, 2010

Seizing And Twisting, Baby

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Memo to Mark Souder: STOP WEEPING SO LOUDLY.

But first, a reminder. If you want value-added microblogging with your You Are Dumb Dot Net Total Reader Care Package, follow @youaredumb before Monday. If a significant arbitrary fraction of the readership joins on, then you'll start seeing 140 - 420 characters worth of bonus content per day. Maybe even on weekends. Oh, and if you're counting on me adding a handy little recent tweets window here like there is on Forkbastard... don't. It's wildly unlikely.

And now we return to our regularly scheduled mocking of Mark Souder, Indiana Republican congressman, who's been making the beast with two backs and three chins with one of his aides for years. And who just got caught. And who resigned. Tearfully. Emotionally. And best of all, IN ALL CAPS.

Well, except on Fox News, where they decided to clean up Souder's statement, giving it mixed case and paragraph breaks that were not in the original. I thought that was awfully nice of them, and I'm sure they'd have done the same for John Edwards if Edwards had been a ranting incomprehensible loony instead of just an epic douchenozzle. Well, either that or had psychiatrists on 24/7 opining on what the capitalization and unbroken text mean for the Democrats' chances in November. It would have been one of those two, I'm sure. Anyway, actual non-Fox quote time!

"ESPECIALLY IN A DISTRICT WITH COSTLY, COMPETITIVE ELECTIONS EVERY TWO YEARS I DO NOT HAVE ANY SORT OF 'NORMAL' LIFE - FOR FAMILY, FOR FRIENDS, FOR CHURCH, FOR COMMUNITY.TO SERVE HAS BEEN A BLESSING AND A RESPONSIBILITY GIVEN FROM GOD."

Thank fuck I have web video of him reading this aloud. It's a bit easier to parse. As far as I can tell, he's saying he had an affair because it was the only thing he could work into his busy schedule of trying to be re-elected. He couldn't spend time with his family, he had no friends, he couldn't go to church, and the only member of the community he could spend any time with was that one nice lady who worked for him. Sometimes naked.

It's an interesting theory - one that's even sort of borne out when you consider how many members of Congress end up cheating on their wives and/or having illicit sex. It's a high-pressure job with very few outlets. It's no wonder they turn to bathroom stalls and prostitutes who can Pamper them. Maybe I should stop making fun of this poor, tortured soul and just listen, openly and honestly, to his pain.

"IN THE POISONOUS ENVIRONMENT OF WASHINGTON DC, ANY PERSONAL FAILING IS SEIZED UPON, OFTEN TWISTED, FOR POLITICAL GAIN. I AM RESIGNING RATHER THAN TO PUT MY FAMILY THROUGH THAT PAINFUL, DRAWN-OUT PROCESS."

Oh, you fucking didn't. Don't even tell me you tried to pull that. You recorded an ABSTINENCE VIDEO WITH YOUR MISTRESS. You can't twist that any more without it snapping. It's already a Twizzler being held by Chubby Checker in the M. Night Shyamalan remake of that tornado movie. There's no more twisting to be found. And you say "used for political gain" like that's a bad thing. If fucking the woman you promoted abstinence with shouldn't lead to a gain by your opponents, what should? In fact, I think it's time for a little excerpt from that video.

"In 2006 you had your staff conduct a report, entitled 'Abstinence And Its Critics', which discredits many claims purveyed by those who oppose abstinence education." - The mistress, Tracy Jackson.

Man, that sure would be an interesting read in light of recent events. Let's pop over to where the PDF is linked from Souder's congressional web page. What's that? All that downloads is the cover page? That's very strange. Let me check another Google link... hm, that doesn't work either. Neither did a third. Why, it's almost as if Souder and his allies don't want people looking at this document. Luckily, I found one stored on a pro-family website. It's 58 fucking pages long, so I'm only going to skim, but it was produced in response to the relatively famous Henry Waxman report from late 2005 that said abstinence-only sex ed was bullshit.

A quick skim of the report shows that it's about 56 pages of background filler and long-winded but largely baseless attacks on the Waxman report, and two pages of listing old studies that show abstinence-only sex-ed works. Oh, and arguing that even the shady discredited studies should count because they did say abstinence was great. The comedy meat, though, listing the definition of abstinence education, and helpfully pointing out that the language comes from Clinton's 1996 welfare reform law, which is another reason to punch that law right in the fucking junk.

So what does abstinence education teach us that's so funny in retrospect? That "abstinence from sexual activity outside marriage [is] the expected standard for all school-age children". Well, there you go. Mark Souder is not a school-age child, he is free to pursue sexual activity outside marriage. But what's this? "...a mutually faithful monogamous relationship in the context of marriage is the expected standard of human sexual activity".

Oops. While Souder does look a bit like he's wearing a human skin, I'm guessing he's probably human, and has thus violated the standard. Boo! Violating standards should have consequences! What are those consequences, abstinence education? Educate me!

"...sexual activity outside of the context of marriage is likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects." Fucking hell. We've been drilling this into kids' heads since at least 1996, with my tax dollars. Lovely. Although it does explain the all-caps, I suppose. Oh, and here's one last one. "...teaches young people how to reject sexual advances and how alcohol and drug use increases vulnerability to sexual advances." The implications of this are manifold, and I revel in every single one of them.

We'll close with one last bit from Souder's resignation statement, under the general header of HE FUCKING WISHES:

"HUMAN BEINGS, LIKE ME, WILL FAIL, BUT OUR CAUSE IS GREATER THAN INDIVIDUALS.IT IS BASED UPON ETERNAL TRUTHS.BY STEPPING ASIDE, MY MISTAKE CANNOT BE USED AS A POLITICAL FOOTBALL IN A PARTISAN ATTEMPT TO UNDERMINE THE CAUSE FOR WHICH I HAVE LABORED ALL MY ADULT LIFE."

Well, not ALL your adult life. I'm pretty sure there were a number of periods ranging from two to ten minutes when you were laboring at something else. With your penis. In your not-wife. You see what I'm getting at here. But more to the point, you know why this is going to be used to undermine the cause? Because it damn well undermines the cause. We don't have to turn anything into a football. The undermining was done because you couldn't keep it in your underpants. Stepping aside doesn't change that. Only a time machine can change that.