Archive - May 19, 2010

Like A Silent Movie, Or Transformers 2

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Memo to Don Blankenship, Bradley Byrne, and Jason William Meath: YOU ARE DUMB.

No theme. No underlying thread. No common narrative running through it. Just three stupid quotes and three insulting takedowns. It's back to basics with this week's IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

""I think about how evil people can be and how misplaced their priorities can be and unfortunate it is that people that can reach the level of senator or president or representative or head of the union - how wrong they can be. But I've seen a lot of it over my time." - Massey Energy CEO Don Blankenship, professional victim.

Don Blankenship should be on his fucking knees every single day thanking his nonexistent lord and savior, Satan, for the Gulf oil spill. Because before a significant chunk of the Atlantic Ocean got contaminated with brontosaurus vomit, Massey's mine disaster was at the top of everyone's list of fatal corporate cost-cutting and regulation-skirting. But thanks to the ongoing eco-clusterfuck in the gulf, nobody remembers that Blankenship sold the lives of 25 of his Upper Big Branch workers for an extra few feet on his yacht.

I tell you what. Tar balls are already washing up on the Gulf Coast. As are dead birds covered in feathers. In the spirit of reduce, reuse, and recycle, I know a coal mine CEO who could probably benefit from all that tar, and all those feathers. Let's make that happen.

"As a Christian and as a public servant, I have never wavered in my belief that this world and everything in it is a masterpiece created by the hands of God. As a member of the Alabama Board of Education, the record clearly shows that I fought to ensure the teaching of creationism in our school text books. Those who attack me have distorted, twisted and misrepresented my comments and are spewing utter lies to the people of this state. I believe the Bible is the Word of God and that every single word of it is true... My faith is at the center of my life and my belief in Jesus Christ as my personal savior and Lord guides my every action." - Alabama candidate for governor, Bradley Byrne, defending himself against vicious, slanderous charges that he supports the teaching of evolution in Alabama schools.

I don't know the motivations of the "True Republican PAC" that called Byrne a filthy evolutionist. If they were hoping to provoke him into a full force Jesus-freak-out, though, they're fully justified in hanging any Mission Accomplished banners they have lying around.

I mean, George Rekers didn't protest this much when he got caught with his rentboy. If the Lord guides his every motion, the Lord must be laughing his ass off at what he's made Byrne do. And I'm laughing too. If I laugh hard enough, I won't have to think about the possibility that wingnuts thought Alabama voters would consider supporting evolution to be a deal-breaker. Or the possibility that Alabama voters consider supporting evolution to be a dealbreaker. Or that Alabama has voters. Keep laughing, everyone!

"What the heck is it with Betty White? Her agent is logging a lot of overtime lately (all while shrieking ‘Honey, I Blew Up the Commission Check’). But who is writing her material – Andrew Dice Clay? Many parts of White’s recent hosting gig on Saturday Night Live could only be described as demeaning and vulgar. Sure, there were a few moments… but do we really need to hear 88-year-old Betty White joking about 'muffins,' prison sex and lesbians? NBC’s own PR machine labeled the content ‘raunchy…’ but in a good way of course! SNL’s Seth and Amy might say, “Betty White in prison garb cracking jokes about rear ends — Really?! No, Really?!" - Big Hollywood's Jason Killian Meath, feeling a fainting spell coming on.

The movie Lake Placid is eleven years old. The movie Lake Placid is famous for one thing, and one thing only - Betty White calling someone a cocksucker. The only way Jason Killian Meath could have missed that is if he somehow stumbled into a cryogenic freezer back when Andrew Dice Clay still wrote things that shocked people, and woke up a few weeks before Betty White hosted SNL.

Certainly the primitive brain-freezing technology of 1993 may be responsible for the giant ice-crystals that turned Meath's brain to mush, leading him to incomprehensibly attack Betty White's agent, his interrobang abuse, and his unironic use of "rear end". Also, even though I haven't watched a Weekend Update in probably a decade, I will bet any amount of money Meath cares to put on the table that there's no way in hell Seth Meyers or Amy Poehler would ever do that bit.

And when you can't even write a proper Saturday Night Live running gag for your desperate plea against octogenarian filth, well, that's the kind of fail that means your head has an appointment with an open oven. And then a follow-up appointment with humiliation when you realize the oven's electric.