Archive - May 14, 2010

Summer Movie Hating Preview

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Memo to Hollywood: THANKS FOR WEEK AFTER WEEK OF DUMB.

I've been hating on politics too much. Not more than it deserves, but still too much. Sometimes I forget there are entire other industries out there churning out shit to hate. Luckily, I went to see Iron Man 2 last weekend, and the three days worth of trailers in front of the movie reminded me that there's plenty of stupid pouring out of Hollywood this year. Even if we're between Transformers movies. So, in the spirit of giving us all a palate cleanser from oil spills and financial reform, here's an entirely trailer-based list of summer movies you should fucking hate.

Robin Hood: Right out of the gate. This one opens today, and features Russell Crowe shouting a lot, slow-motion arrows, and Russell Crowe shouting some more. Apparently this Robin Hood is a freedom-fighter, trying to bring democracy to England by the barrel of a bow, and is successful despite the fact that bows don't have barrels and democracy wouldn't come to England for another few centuries after he didn't actually exist. Robin Hood now also has Unresolved Daddy Issues, the most common plot point in cinematic history, as his dad was also Robin Hood or something and had a ridiculous way of saying "never give up".

Letters To Juliet: It's The Notebook meets Under The Tuscan Sun meets a middle-school Shakespeare production! Everything is yellow! Old people have flashbacks! And everyone learns a lesson about love, except me. I learn the same old lesson about hate.

MacGruber: This looks like shit on general principles. Plus, it makes me feel old, because now they're making movies based on Saturday Night Live sketches I've never even seen. The villain is named "Cunth", so I've just written ten percent of the movie's jokes in my head. And I'm guessing the other 90% were in Top Secret, Hot Shots, or Team America.

Shrek Forever After: They keep advertising this as "The Final Chapter". I wish I could believe them. Shrek was a damn fine movie for the time, but halfway through the first sequel it was obvious that the accountants were in charge of the asylum. And speaking of accountants, if this really is the final chapter, let's hope Mike Myers' money guy has lots of nice, safe, long-term investments in mind. Nobody's forgotten The Love Guru.

Sex And The City 2: I can no longer tell the difference between actual Sex And The City and that Robot Chicken sketch where they replaced them with The Golden Girls. One of them falls off a camel! And where there are camels and hackwork comedies, you know there will be "hump" jokes. I freely admit I'm not the target audience for this movie, but I also freely admit that the target audience for this movie has something seriously fucking wrong with it.

Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time: I -am-, however, the target audience for this movie, and when they fuck it up, I am going to weep like a little baby, then load the original game into my 360 and play through it again. And then invent a time-traveling dagger I can use to stab a young Jerry Bruckheimer.

Marmaduke: This is going to make millions and millions of dollars and spawn at least one sequel and then Owen Wilson and Bill Murray will team up for The Garfield/Marmaduke Movie and off themselves in a suicide pact after the premiere. And then Galactus is going to come to Earth and ask why we should be spared, and some motherfucker's going to have a torrented shitty camcorder copy of this movie on his iPad, and the planet's going to get eaten. I apologize for not being up to the task of describing just how horrible this fucking movie is going to be to society.

Knight And Day: I've been seeing this trailer all year. It keeps getting worse. I think it's an elaborate allegory for Tom Cruise recruiting her into the crazy world of Scientology by isolating her from her friends and family and putting her life in danger. Or it could just be a shitty attempt at wacky action-comedy.

Grown Ups: Hah! All of Adam Sandler's comic friends are middle-aged and have kids and suffer traumatic head injuries at a camp! This is practically a documentary, except that in real life Kevin James didn't actually crush his skull on a tree, leaving him free to continue making movies I'll never see with trailers I'll never laugh at.

Despicable Me: I was actually looking forward to this, until I found out that the main plot isn't about an incompetent villain doing incompetent villain stuff, it's about an incompetent villain learning to love the three little girls he's forced through some plot contrivance to act as the father figure for. Thanks, Hollywood, for editing every last one of your tedious, irritating tics out of the first trailer and getting my hopes up, only to crush them like Kevin James' skull.