You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for most Tuesdays and the occasional fuckbotch. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. For a take on what a blog by me would be like, check out OLDNERD.
Archive - Apr 2010
Memo to Victoria Jackson: THE HITS KEEP ON COMIN'.
We all remember when Harry met Sally, when Aliens met Predator, and when Superman met Muhammad Ali. We remember when Neil Armstrong's boot met the Moon's ass, when Donald Rumsfeld hit it off big-time with Saddam Hussein, and while we don't know exactly when Dick Cheney met Satan, it clearly was of great historical importance.
But all of that pales in comparison to the single greatest meeting in human history: the day Victoria Jackson met Sarah Palin.
Now, we've been down this road many times with Jackson, so I'm just going to say washed-up, damaged, and holy-shit crazy as a quick reminder before diving right into the chronological deconstruction. And so we begin!
"As you can see from this photograph, I can’t quite reach Sarah Palin. This is a group shot of Sarah with my fellow Tea Party Express-ers in Boston. I’m on the left in the back row next to a man holding up an Anti-AARP bumper sticker. Palin is in the center in the red leather jacket."
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Victoria Jackson, master of the opening paragraph. Right away she tells us vital information - where Sarah Palin is in a photograph, where she is in the photograph, and the fact that people actually make anti-AARP bumper stickers for teabaggers to buy and wave. I hope it has an ice floe on it somewhere. Oh, by the way, there is a long list of things that Victoria Jackson can't reach, and Sarah Palin in this photograph doesn't even make the top 100.
"Happy mayhem surrounds Sarah Palin. Pushing, snapping, hugging. I couldn’t get near her if I tried, so I just stood in the back watching the circus. At one point, I couldn’t resist, while she was signing Ron Rivoli’s guitar, I reached out my arm through the crowd and touched her red jacket with my finger!
Again, you almost have to admire Jackson here. Never before have the verbs "pushing, snapping, hugging" been joined together in this way, unless there's a documentary about turtle sex I've somehow overlooked. I'm not actually surprised there's a lot of snapping at a Tea Party rally, though. Snapping seems to be all these people do.
Oh, and one other thing. The left has been having shit thrown at it since 2008 based around the spurious principle that we worship Obama and think he's the Messiah. Yet here is Victoria Jackson, faerie queen of all Wingnuttia, overcome with what can only be described as religious fervor, straining for just one touch of the vestments of her High Priestess. That is some serious fucking digital high-resolution 3-D projection right there.
"In each city from Searchlight to Sioux St. Marie to Washington D.C., this great group of patriots and I were received by throngs of loving, passionate Americans who share our concern about the TYRANNY that has hijacked our government. It’s amazing how many different creative, original ways that FREEDOM can be expressed. The signs were hilarious and righteous. Lots of smiling, singing, and photographs."
Now, Jackson is writing this on the Internet, so I'm not sure why she doesn't link to one of the hundreds of slide-shows and Flickr collections out there showing just how creative and original teabagger signs can be, and not just in terms of spelling and grammar, either. Oh, wait, that's right. those signs are full of crazy. And Victoria knows the teabaggers aren't crazy, they're righteous and friendly, unlike the one protester.
"In Albany, NY standing next to a statue of George Washington was an angry black woman holding a sign that said, 'Yes, We Can.' She looked very angry. The media was on her like flies. They got shots of our Tea Party crowd with her in the foreground. I was asked to pose next to her for a group shot. I kept glancing at her face. It takes a lot of energy to keep a frown that long. Finally, I asked her, “Why are you so angry?” She whipped her head around, her eyes on fire with hate, and snarled, “Don’t talk to me, Whitey.” I walked away slowly, wondering why she was so mad at me. I suspect she doesn’t like white people."
I find this story's credibility... lacking. Not that someone would call Victoria Jackson "Whitey". That's wildly believable. No, it's the rest of it. Especially the part where the media wanted famous teabagger Victoria Jackson to pose for a group shot with one angry anti-Tea protester. What would that illustrate? Then there's the idea that it was Jackson's mere silent presence that angered the woman. As we've seen over the course of our study of Victoria Jackson, one trait that is consistently revealed through her own writing is an inability to keep from blabbing her semi-coherent anti-Obamatry at anyone within earshot.
But even if we take everything in that paragraph at face value, do you think there's a way she could demonstrate all-new heights of intellectual shallowness, patronizing racism, and general idiocy? This is Victoria Jackson. What do you think?
"I used to think that black people didn’t like me because of the slavery thing a hundred years ago. But, I just learned from Lloyd Marcus’ book “Confessions of a Black Conservative” that blacks are taught since the day they are born that 'Whitey is keeping them down.' No wonder why she hates me. She doesn’t know it is a Liberal lie."
I'm sorry, Ms. Jackson. Our hate is real. And it's not because of the slavery thing, and it's not because of liberal lies, and it's not because of some book. It's because you're stupid, irritating, and insane - three qualities we will continue to explore, along with your fascinating attitudes toward racial relations and the ACTUAL MEETING this article is supposedly about, when we continue on Monday.