Archive - Feb 9, 2010

Bimonthly Bachmann

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Memo to Michele Bachmann: YOU'VE TRIGGERED THE RELEASE VALVE.

Michele Bachmann and crazy are like, oh, what's an appropriate analogy not completely dependent on current life situation - they're like snow in an apartment's parking lot. An inch here, an inch there, and nobody bothers plowing, but eventually they decide they've just got to clear away the fluffy detritus.

Normally, I would wait until Wednesday, and plow my metaphorical parking lot full of Bachmann crazyquotes in Idiots Say The Damndest Things. But I've been planning an all-gay-panic ISTDT for tomorrow, and I'm not going to abandon that just because Minnesota's favorite punching bag has gone on a bit of a "look at meeeee" tear in recent weeks. So we'll save the Don't Ask Don't Tell stuff for tomorrow and spend today on BACHMANN SAYS THE STUPIDEST SHIT!

"He said that in Japan, to wait and get health care is almost impossible. You get on a list and you wait and you wait and you wait. But he said this is something people don’t know: in Japan, people have stopped voicing their opinion on health care. There are things that are wrong with Japanese health care, but people are afraid of voicing. ‘Well why is that,’ I asked. [He said], ‘Because they know that would get on a list and they wouldn’t get health care. They wouldn’t get in. They wouldn’t get seen. And so people are afraid. They’re afraid to speak back to government. They’re afraid to say anything.’ Is that what we want for our future? That takes us to gangster government at that point!" - Bachmann, speaking in Rochester, MN.

Since this is Bachmann we're talking about, we can safely take it as a given that her imaginary Japanese friend doesn't exist, and that Japan's health care system doesn't actually work like that. I can only assume Michele's been taking advantage of the Black Jack anime on Netflix Instant Streaming, and thinks it's a documentary, and that everyone in Japan looks like cartoons.

But that's not what makes me sad and disappointed. I'm sad and disappointed that Bachmann remembered to pronounce the "er" in "gangster government". If she'd just elided that last syllable a bit, we could have had a two-week commentary about how Bachmann called Obama a "gangsta". Instead, we have to quake in terror of her nightmare vision of a bureaucratic health care system that denies coverage arbitrarily to protect its own vested interests... wait. Why does that sound familiar?

"Obama wants to use ACORN to radicalize America because he isn’t interested merely in defeating conservatives... HE WANTS TO ANNIHILATE US! That’s the purpose behind ObamaCare, too. Obama’s goal with ObamaCare is to make every American utterly dependent of Big Brother Government for health care. - Bachmann, appealing to clinically insane people who might have money to send her.

Once again, Bachmann paints a wonderful picture of a parallel world that I am desperate to find a portal to. Well, maybe not the one where ACORN is the villainous terrorist organization from a Bond movie, but certainly the one where Obama actually has both a plan and a will to take the initial steps toward the annihilation of conservatives. Because there's no way giving Olympia Snowe your lunch money every day in the Capitol hallways is part of any annihilation plan.

"what we have to do is a reorganization of all of that, Social Security and all. We have to do it simply because we can’t let the contract remain as they are because the older people are going to lose. So, what you have to do, is keep faith with the people that are already in the system, that don’t have any other options, we have to keep faith with them. But basically what we have to do is wean everybody else off. And wean everybody off because we have to take those unfunded net liabilities off our bank sheet, we can’t do it. So we just have to be straight with people. So basically, whoever our nominee is, is going to have to have a Glenn Beck chalkboard and explain to everybody this is the way it is." - Bachmann, at the Constitutional Conference, yet another of the circle-jerks that they seem to hold every week.

If I had one wish, I'd wish for a time machine. But if I had two wishes, I'd wish for a time machine and for the Republican Party to take Michele Bachmann's advice, and be honest with the American people about their plans to end Social Security and Medicare. I mean, they've already got an alternate budget that calls for this, but if Bachmann had her way, they'd stop pretending it didn't exist and run ads on television, complete with Glenn Beck and a chalkboard, explaining to everyone under fifty that they have to sacrifice their future benefits for the sake of American freedom.

I mean, if you want conservatives to be annihilated, that's a great way to go about it. Maybe Bachmann is actually an agent from parallel-universe ACORN. It'd explain a hell of a lot. But so would lead pipes in her childhood home.