Archive - Dec 2010

December 22nd

Stuff That In Your Stocking And Smoke It

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Memo to Todd Akin, , and : YOU ARE DUMB.

I'm making a list.* I'm checking it twice.** I'm going to find out who's deeply fucking stupid. Prepare your stockings for coal, fuckheads! It's a holiday-esque edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"It might be helpful to think back and say, there’s more to Thanksgiving than the Pilgrims. They were a group of people who were willing to change the system, to think of different ideas. They came here and separated civil and church governments. They came here and created the model of a written constitution, the idea that the government should be the servant of the people... They came here with the idea that after trying socialism that it wasn’t going to work. They realized that it was unbiblical, that it was a form of theft, so they pitched socialism out. They learned that in the early 1620’s." - Missouri Rep. Todd Akin, making his eighth grade social studies teacher cry.

I know the socialism stuff is the ice cream on this sundae of stupid, but let's start with the cracked bowl Akin clearly used as a bong in English class. He starts with the premise that Thanksgiving is about more than the Pilgrims, then goes on to tell us a bunch of stuff about... THE PILGRIMS. Even if the stuff he said were true, he'd have mangled the essay format so badly it would have needed reconstructive surgery.

Also, he snuck in a little right-wing talking point there - not separating church and state, but separating civil government from church government? That's a standard that would let President Palin preach Pentecostal sermons from the top of a giant Ten Commandments memorial she had installed in the Oval Office. Barely a standard at all.

And then, of course, there's the socialism shit, which is apparently part of a larger right-wing narrative about Thanksgiving. I guess it's reassuring that their unrelenting drive to reshape reality to fit their worldview extends to more than science and economics. Well, not "reassuring". Predictable.

"The Founding Fathers originally said, they put certain restrictions on who gets the right to vote. It wasn’t you were just a citizen and you got to vote. Some of the restrictions, you know, you obviously would not think about today. But one of those was you had to be a property owner. And that makes a lot of sense, because if you’re a property owner you actually have a vested stake in the community. If you’re not a property owner, you know, I’m sorry but property owners have a little bit more of a vested interest in the community than non-property owners." - Tea Party Nation president Judson Williams.

No, they fucking don't. Certainly not the property owners who created and are using the rubes in the Tea Party to get things like millionaire tax cuts. Those assholes build giant walls and fences so that the community doesn't even dare trick or treat on their property. I mean, even if you ignore the horrific historical legacy of the people we've denied the vote to over hte course of America's history, and you can't really do that, because if you do, you'd be some teabagging nutsack in a suit, but even if you did, Williams' core logic is flawed. Also, he hates poor people.

"Speaker Boehner is our Dwight Eisenhower in the battle against the Obama Administration. Majority Leader Cantor is our Omar Bradley. I want to be George Patton - put anything in my scope and I will shoot it." - Text of a slide from Texas Rep. Joe Barton, in an all new form of Powerpoint abuse.

I hope that all those clauses swept in with animated text, the sound effect of an F-16 from Top Gun flying overhead, and maybe an explosion behind them when they finished. Because that's the only way Barton could have one-upped the pure, unmitigated ridiculousness of his military wank fantasy. Also, George Patton was not a sniper.

By the way, when it was pointed out to him that the logical conclusion of his analogy is that Obama is Hitler, Barton's spokesman responded that it was "completely ludicrous to make that leap". I think that what he MEANT to say was that it was completely ludicrous to expect Joe Barton to have made that leap, because Joe Barton is a fucking idiot who's pretty sure John Wayne single-handedly won World War II on orders from Ronald Reagan. Which is fair enough.

*Technically, Google Reader makes the list automatically.

**Once when I star them for later use, once when I triage the starred items. I really AM like Santa.