Archive - Dec 2010

December 27th

Clearance Sale

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Memo to Chris Yogerst and Mark Prior: EVERYTHING MUST GO.

As your one-stop retail shop for the mockery of all that is stupid, I've accumulated a lot of inventory that I wasn't able to sell to you before Christmas. And I know that January 1 is an arbitrary temporal demarcation wit no real meaning, but I still want to clear out the backlog before 2011 starts, so this week only, all stupidity is half off. I'll be plowing through the research pile and giving you two half-columns on the old stuff so we can all start the year relatively fresh.

In one of those odd little columns that couldn't live anywhere except Big Hollywood, back at the beginning of November, a man named Chris Yogerst (who has heard every joke I could possibly make about his name) revealed the secret McCarthyite censorship of a four-year-old ABC documentary.

You see, back in 2006, ABC aired a mildly controversial documentary, "The Path To 9/11", which some people took umbrage to because it espoused the right-wing viewpoint on 9/11, which is that it wasn't Bush's fault, it was Clinton's, because Clinton loved terrorists and didn't let the intelligence community spy on everything in the universe. Nobody cares anymore, except for Yogerst, who explains how "The Path to 9/11" was censored by the Left.

"On September 10th and 11th, 2006, The Path to 9/11 aired to an audience of 28 million viewers gaining seven Emmy nominations. It was a major success for ABC and Disney."

No, wait, that wasn't it. That's the part where he explains how it aired and tons of people watched it, which is like totally the opposite of censorship. Hold on.

"However, the miniseries almost didn’t air when the leftists began to circle their wagons before even seeing the film."

No, that's still not censorship. I recall a bit of advertiser boycott pressure from the time, and some suggestions that ABC was being irresponsible, but again, the thing aired. Something almost not airing because of public disapproval isn't censorship either. Wait, here it is.

"There was nothing wrong with the film and ABC knows it. In fact, the network planned on airing it annually in memory of the victims on 9/11. Unfortunately, political intimidation and censorship is still alive and well in America. It is our job to let Washington know they cannot censor us or decide what films we can and cannot watch."

Yes, that's it! ABC's decision to NOT rerun a made-for-TV documentary once a year is clear evidence of McCarthyite censorship from Washington. It's also not available on DVD. Which I admit is suspicious. A movie which PROVES, through hiring Harvey Keitel to say so, that Bill Clinton didn't prevent 9/11, is unavailable on DVD, while The Day After, which shows conclusively how Ronald Reagan caused the nuclear destruction of America, is not only out on DVD, but costs less than four bucks on Amazon. Luckily, the DVD documentary about how this important DVD documentary isn't out on DVD is out on DVD. And it has Andrew Breitbart in it, which Yogerst conveniently fails to mention when citing it on Big Hollywood.

After the convoluted reasoning of the idiots at Big Hollywood, I think we could all use a little palate cleanser with some plain-old, straight-up racism. And thus, we turn to Mark Prior, owner of an Abbotsford, Wisconsin strip club that he hasn't even gotten around to opening yet.

But Mark Prior isn't bringing just any strip club to Abbotsford. First, it's intended to be a combination strip club, grocery store, and barbecue restaurant, or, to put it another way, the Wal-Mart of rural Wisconsin. One-stop shopping. And the strip club part is going to be a strip club with STANDARDS. Prior won't be letting just anyone ogle the finest boobies rural north-central Wisconsin has to offer, which is why he made sure, before the doors were even open or the first farm girl had been hired, to hang a "NO NEGROS ALLOWED" sign on the front door. And he didn't mean black beans, he meant black beings. He don't spell real gud, I guess.

Luckily for me, Prior explained his decision in a way that would make Rand Paul proud. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I'm going to stick to my guns because I think I have the right as a business owner to reject service to anyone. It's not all the black people there are just a few bad ones." This is really no different than a "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" sign, except that instead of "No Shoes", Prior wants to use "Too Much Melanin".

So the city asked him to take the sign down, and he did, and then he started putting other signs up, which the local media failed to describe, except for one "Latinos Only" sign, which of course makes no fucking sense at all, and neither did Prior when he was explaining it.

"Yeah I did put it up and then I took it down and I put a Latino only sign because I'm just sick of dealing with white people and I'm sick of dealing with this issue right here."

With marketing acumen and public relations skills like this, it's a wonder that this is turning out to be Prior's third failed business venture in recent years. The man clearly knows what people want, but apparently he doesn't actually want people to come and get it. The men and women of rural Wisconsin will just have to soldier on, cooking their own barbecue, growing their own food, and looking at their own boobs in the mirror.