Archive - Oct 18, 2010

Minimal Personality Disorder

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Memo to Victoria Jackson: WHAT IS THE INSTRUMENT OF YOUR MADNESS?

I mean, I'd assumed, based on all available evidence, that the instrument of your madness was your semi-regular Big Hollywood column. But you seem to think that it's your ukulele, who you turned your column-inches over to in a kind of Fight Club "I am Jack's Hawaiian guitar rambling essay last week.

I have to say, though, I may not have given Vickie enough credit as a writer. She really manages to imbue her ukulele with a childlike, ignorant voice. I don't know where she found it.

"Can you believe the President of the United States would sue a state?! Man, these are crazy times! All AZ did was ask him to protect them from illegal aliens and criminals. I guess the President doesn’t want to protect them and he is really mad about it. Mad enough to sue. Suing is a big problem in America. Suing and lawyers. Tort Reform. The President is a lawyer, right? Lawyer sounds like Liar.

I mean, she just has the ukulele string together a vague series of oversimplified concepts and Sean Hannity talking points, then has it take a shot at the President that a five-year-old would only giggle at if his parents hadn't spent enough time on early development. I'm afraid this column isn't going to teach us anything about VJ we didn't know before, but there's nothing more entertaining than pointing out, again, how vast a gulf lies between her and mental competence.

"Although, I did hear a rumor recently involving that Sherrod lady and “reparations” being paid to black farmers in the south. Many of the "farmers" receiving government money were not even farmers."

What the fuck is it with white people always freaking the fuck out over "reparations"? I swear, it's like their own little code word for "minorities better not get anything I have". Also, I can only presume that Jackson will be going up to Alaska to campaign against teabagger Joe Miller, who, if I'm reading news stories correctly, received government farm subsidy money without actually being a farmer. I will not hold my breath, but only because Jackson is such an effective poster child for prolonged oxygen deprivation.

For example. On Tuesday, Obama lifted the moratorium on Gulf oil drilling. Three days later, Victoria Jackson's ukulele wondered "what’s happening with the offshore oil drilling moratorium? Seems a bit odd how it’s not in the news." It seems extra odd, because it'd been in the news for three fucking days. Maybe she wrote it before Tuesday? I mean, I can't imagine Big Hollywood sitting on content for more than three days, but I also can't imagine them actually reading submissions and checking them for obvious errors.

I'll say this for Vickie, she's a genius at inventing new literary devices. I call this one "The Omniscient Second-Person Narrator Who Doesn't Know Shit":

"I heard her grumbling, 'I can’t believe that out of twenty homes, there is only one couple with a brain! And, they are afraid to donate because they’ll get fired! They’re in show biz.' She said that many of the households did not speak English, one was a drug dealer who didn’t know what 'vote' meant, and two were angry Liberals who shouted, 'Tea Baggers are the Scum of the Earth!' Maybe I’m glad I was trapped in the sweaty trunk!

Working backwards, I don't care how hot it gets, cars don't sweat. Neither do ukuleles. Therefore, logic dictates that "trapped in the sweaty trunk" means something utterly unspeakable. Funny the way both those liberals got angry in the exact same way, said the exact same thing, and put in the exact same gratuitous space in "teabaggers". How Victoria knew that one was a drug dealer OR didn't know what "vote" meant remains a mystery to this day. And if I had Crazy Ukelady show up on my doorstep in the middle of a hundred-and-thirteen degree (global warming is a lie) Los Angeles October day, I'd pretend no habla ingles too.

Let's see, what else have we got? Oh, she thinks Congressmen and Senators have "tenure", but thinks it should be taken away. She thinks it's just like The Sound Of Music in America, but not the happy hill part, the pre-Nazi part. And she was slightly uncomfortable with the fact that a lot of the people at the Marco Rubio rally she was at spoke only Spanish, but didn't make a big deal out of it because Rubio's a few skin-bleachings away from being part of her tribe. I admit I unpacked most of that one from a single "Ahem", but Jackson is not the most difficult of minds to map.