Archive - Oct 12, 2010

He Goes To Eleven

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Memo to Carl Paladino: ELEVEN?

OK, here's a big part of how I work these days. I use Google Reader, I pull in stuff from all over, and when something seems columnworthy, I star it. I also star it if I want to put it on my Instant Queue, but that's not important right now. So just now, I searched my starred items for "Paladino", and got eleven results for the Republican candidate for NY governor. ELEVEN.

And it's not like I've been leaving Paladino alone. I hit him in April and August. And it was the end of August. And just since then, he's got eleven? That's too many. I'm going to have to summarize in reverse chronological order just to get to the part I want to talk about.

First, he claimed his opponent, Andrew Cuomo, had an affair. Then, when a reporter asked him for evidence or proof of that claim, Paladino claimed the reporter had sent "goons" after his daughter and threatened to "take him out". Then it was alleged he took millions in tax breaks to create jobs and didn't create any, then he said Cuomo should be in jail, then he scheduled a "major announcement" in which he yelled at the New York Post and asked for money. And then he got to the gay stuff.

The gay stuff is a whole mini-saga all it's own, which you may know if you've been following the news this week. Even ignoring all of Paladino's other faults, which is nigh-impossible, the series of events over the past couple of days would have disqualified him in a pre-Vitter-Rule* world. And it all started with a meeting with and speech before Orthodox Jews.

Early reports out of the meeting quoted from Paladino's prepared remarks, which included the line "There is nothing to be proud of in being a dysfunctional homosexual." Now, this is a shitty fucking thing to say at any time, but right now, right before National Coming Out Day, in the wake of a series of suicides of bullied young homosexuals? That would have easily won some kind of end-of-year award if I have them. Hell, I'd have had them just to give him that award.

But he didn't say it. According to reports, he read it, winced, and skipped that line. Instead, what he said was: "I just think my children, and your children, will be much better off, and much more successful getting married and raising a family. And I don't want them to be brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality is an equally valid or successful option. It isn't." Which isn't really any better, but it at least avoids the 1960s word "dysfunctional".

OK, let's stop here and recount Paladino's crimes just up to this point. First, he let someone else write his speech. If he is to be believed, he in fact let representatives of his AUDIENCE write it. And then he read the speech for the first time out loud. I'm going to take his word that he didn't write the line he skipped, because if he didn't, it makes him look so much dumber than if he's lying. And then he skipped the "dysfunctional" line, which means he failed to notice how awful everything else was. But he didn't stop there.

After the event, he defended himself. Badly. By doing things like going on to cable news shows and essentially saying gay pride parades corrupt children with all the Speedo men grinding against each other. Oh, and this formal statement. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"In my speech today to Orthodox Jewish leaders in New York City, I noted my opposition to gay marriage, inspired by my Catholic beliefs. I also oppose discrimination of any form." I trust we can all see the fundamental flaw there, yes?

Oh, also? His nephew is gay, and he said in his speech he doesn't want to hurt gay people. He just wants to prevent children from being brainwashed by gay pride parades into thinking being gay is OK, which I guess is what happened to his nephew. It's a shame, because if he'd known it was happening, Paladino could have sent the nephew one of his patented bestiality e-mails and kept the kid straight! Remember, kids, if a male horse has sex with a female human, that's not something to be ashamed of. It's not like it's gay or anything.

Mother. Of. Fuck. You can say a lot of things about Carl Paladino - and I have, and I will - but you can never deny that he came by his eleven starred dumbworthy articles by chance or luck. He worked his ass off and earned every single one of them, the vile little toad.

*The Vitter Rule, in case I've only thought it and never typed it, is that as long as no single thing you do as a politician is worse than paying a woman to have sex with you in some diapers, then you get to continue your political career unmolested.