Archive - Sep 30, 2009

Miniscule Hollywood

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Memo to Big Hollywood: YOU ARE A MULTITUDE OF DUMBLETS.

I still maintain that, on the macro scale, Big Hollywood's largely lost its ability to produce quality, mockable stupidity. But that doesn't mean that, as article after article flows past me, my large gums can't strain tiny bits of stupidity from the whole, like a whale eats krill. And so we have months of tiny inanities that I am regurgitating* into a special, rapid-fire, Big Hollywood edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"What if Tarantino Had the ‘Basterds’ Take Taliban Scalps?" - Title of an article by Chuck DeVore, a politician who has nothing to do with Hollywood, and whose name means "one who eats Chuck D."

Yes, what if? Well, Tarantino would face certain... obstacles. The first being that "Basterds" fulfilled Tarantino's decades-long desire to make a World War II film. In order to scalp Taliban, he would either have to abandon World War II, or show even greater disregard for historical accuracy than the film already does, which believe me, would be pretty fucking difficult. Luckily, Quentin Tarantino doesn't take movie-making advice from moron congressmen who think the actions of the soldiers in "Basterds" are a model to emulate.

"It’s hard to decide what’s more pathetic – a bunch of fading rockers trying to jump on the charity bandwagon, or the fact that after countless movies/books/news reports regarding global warming these warblers think their song will finally open our eyes to the problem." - Christian Toto, a movie critic in Denver.

Seriously, dude. You're writing for Big Hollywood, and you're complaining about politically active 80s has-beens? I had the EPA run some tests, and they couldn't even find one part per million of irony in your article. Although to be fair, I can see why Christian Toto might have a bug up his ass about 80s bands. Maybe he can clear his psyche by taking a trip to Mount Kilimanjaro. I hear it rises like Olympus above the Seeeeeeeeeeeerengetiiiiiiiii.

"In his column, Maher is either willfully lying or he is, to use one of his favorite projections, stupid. He claims that Obama fired Van Jones because Glenn Beck told him to, which would mark the first time in history that Barack Obama ever listened to someone who disagreed with him, and then multiplies the dumbness by claiming that the reason Beck told him to was because he called Republicans 'a**holes.'" - "Mr. Wrestling IV", who holds the record for most fucking ridiculous pseudonym on BH. Which is saying something.

I honestly assumed that even the average conservative saw the Van Jones affair for what it was - a bit of blatant gamesmanship to score points and get a head on a pike. Beck lead the charge against Jones, and that charge was, if not prompted, certainly accelerated by willful dissembling over the nature and context of Jones' "assholes" quote. Or, to put it more bluntly, Bill Maher was right and Mr. Wrestling IV has no fucking idea what he's talking about. Or, more accurately, he's claiming that Van Jones' "truther" petition is what sunk him in order to prop up the false equivalency between "birthers" and "truthers" that Republicans need to counter the damage the birthers have done to their public image.

"I thought The Informant! had a good chance to win the box office sweepstakes during its opening days this past weekend. I considered that a potentially baleful eventuality, considering that the new comedy seemed likely to be very anti-business... I haven’t seen it yet, and so will reserve judgment on that score, but perhaps it makes sense that although The Contender did better than expected, it was clobbered by the animated comedy Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs... it’s apparent that U.S. audiences are tired of downbeat material and want a more positive, optimistic type of entertainment," - S.T. Karnick, who has spent his whole life as the recipient of right-wing think-tank charity jobs.

So, let's run this one down quickly. First, the inimitable Karnick predicts that an R-rated comedy will outgross a 3-D animated children's movie. Then, when proven wrong, he formulates a theory about WHY he was wrong by comparing Meatballs, which he gives no indication of having seen, with Informant, which he freely admits he hasn't seen, and then goes on to get the name of completely wrong. Since he is such a big fan of the upbeat optimistic positivity of Meatballs, I urge him to take the time and explore the earlier work of its creators, specifically "Clone High", which, as far as Karnick needs to know, features the hero, Abraham Lincoln, attempting to thwart the schemes of the villain, John F. Kennedy. That oughta do it, as long as nobody tells him it's Canadian.

*Not every writer is willing to compare his work to whale puke... in a GOOD way.