Archive - Sep 24, 2009

Kirk Cameron's Avidtard

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Memo to Kirk Cameron: WHAT IS THE ORIGIN OF YOUR FECES?

I'll say this about conservatives, and especially creationists. Motherfuckers love their stunts. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love a good stunt as much as the next guy, assuming the next guy isn't Evel Knievel. But the key word there is "good". And creationist stunts are, like creationist reasoning, uniformly shitty.

Case in point, Kirk Cameron, who graces these pages on a semi-regular basis as a result of his Jesusfreakery. It's been about a year since he's gotten a mention, and it must have been gnawing at his Christian soul, because this week he put out a YouTube video. Be still your beating hearts.

The best part about any Kirk Cameron YouTube video is seeing how early the first ridiculous statement appears. And this video, "Origin Into Schools", clocks in at nine seconds with the claim that "Our kids can no longer pray in public". This statement is so ludicrous that when it walks down the street, random facts ambush it to attempt citizens' debunkings.

Thirty five seconds in, and we are warned, ominously, that 61% of psychology and biology professors identify as atheist or agnostic, and that this has lead to a doubling of atheists aged 19-24 in the past 20 years. This is incredibly disappointing to me, because Kirk Cameron is a moron who's wrong about stuff on a nearly constant basis. Which means he's wrong about this, which is a shame, because it was sounding pretty good.

Anyway, after a minute or so of telling us how atheists are ruining everything, Kirk Cameron unveils his cunning stunt that will fix it. He will change the sinful heart of a nation by changing the sinful heart of an individual. Don't look at me, that's what the world's oldest altar boy said. And how will Kirk Cameron, and his buddy Ray Comfort who does all the heavy lifting, change the hearts of individuals? Through the mighty divine power of PUBLIC DOMAIN.

On The Origin Of Species is public domain. That means anyone can take it and do what they want with it. For example, if one were to write up fifty pages of creationist claptrap, append it to the front of Darwin's book, print out a bunch of copies, and sell them or give them away, that would be legal. It would also be hilariously stupid, but copyright law only deals with the hilariously stupid through inference and the actions of the RIAA.

The introduction is what you'd expect. Hitler loved Darwin, Darwin hated black people and women, there are no transitional forms in the fossil record because we say so. Cookie-cutter Discovery Institute boilerplate. It doesn't get funny again until the two minute mark, when Kirk promises the text presents a "balanced view of creationism". How does that work? I mean, we're talking young-earth shit here. It's not like there's some even crazier religious theory out there that Kirk can "balance" evolution with, leaving young-earth creationism as the sensible middle ground.

So anyway, their big plan? Hand out 50,000 copies of The Origin Of Feces at 50 colleges and universities, so that all the atheist-brainwashed students will take it, read the introduction, and be re-un-brainwashed back into the loving arms of Jesus. And they're doing it on November 19, which is significant because it's Darwin Day, the 150th anniversary of the publication of Origin of Species. Oh, wait, that would be significant, except that Darwin Day is November 22, and they're deliberately handing these out three days early for no discernible reason.

"Who isn't going to take it and say, 'Thank you very much'?" Kirk asks. Because hearing both sides is so important to Cameron, allow me to also ask, who isn't going to take three steps and toss it in the nearest trash bin like it was a Chick tract with herpes sores? But they aren't listening to me. They're suffused with joy at their own cleverness. "What are they going to do, BAN the ORIGIN OF SPECIES? That'd be BIG NEWS," Cameron continues, although I took the liberty of adapting his public-domain YouTube words with my own all-caps emphasis.

No, Kirk. They're not going to try and stop you, they're going to ignore you and mock you, because your so-called gospel truth isn't the slightest bit dangerous when it's handed out in ponderous, three hundred page book form. If it weren't for the brazen fund-raising appeal you and Comfort shoehorn into the last minute of your video, I'd even praise your plan as a completely ineffectual drain on your resources. Hand out your piles of hardbound, hidebound crap all you want. You're not a school board and you're not a judge, so in the grand scheme of things, you're nothing but dumb on a stick.