Archive - Sep 23, 2009

Sufficiently Loose Values

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Memo to Michelle Bachmann, Carrie Prejean, and Michael Schwartz: YOU ARE DUMB.

This past weekend, Wingnut America had their version of the San Diego ComiCon - the Values Voters Summit. Or, as I like to call it, the Incredibly Convenient Dumbshit Quote Aggregator. And it did not disappoint, providing ample fodder for this weeks edition of VALUES VOTERS, A TERM SYNONYMOUS WITH IDIOTS, SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"People vote with their feet. And they love Bill O'Reilly; they love Glenn Beck. They love the shows that are on Fox. That's what matters. Because people want to go where they can find truth. They obviously aren't finding truth over on some of these other channels." - Michelle Bachmann, just because it wouldn't be Wednesday without at least one Bachmann quote.

Not much to say here, I'm just posting this because "Popularity Equals Quality" is one of the few fallacies I have left to check off on my Michelle Bachmann Fallacies Checklist. Plus, it gives you a true sense of the crowd at the Values Voters Summit that Michelle Bachmann could make a bold statement about "truth" and not get hounded out of the joint with torches and pitchforks.

"Even though I didn't win the crown that night, I know that the Lord has so much of a bigger crown in heaven for me... I'm not really into politics, at least I wasn't at the time. But now I have a new outlook on this. And I am disgusted at the way some people can be so intolerant. It disgusts me." - Carrie Prejean, who, despite losing her beauty pageant crown, is living the beauty pageant lifestyle by looking pretty in front of slack-jawed crowds at the political equivalent of a boat show.

It's nice to know that Carrie Prejean's view of the afterlife is as simplistic as everything else about her. In heaven, apparently, you're given larger versions of your career accessories based on how virtuous you were in life. So beauty queens, monarchs, and the guy that dresses up as the Burger King all get large crowns. Construction workers have to carry around giant jackhammers. The most virtuous politicians get power ties long enough to lasso angel-cows with. Also, Carrie, you're not disgusted by intolerance. That's just bulimia.

"But it is my observation that boys at that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people. They speak badly about homosexuality. And that’s because they don’t want to be that way. They don’t want to fall into it. And that’s a good instinct. After all, homosexuality, we know, studies have been done by the National Institute of Health to try to prove that its genetic and all those studies have proved its not genetic. Homosexuality is inflicted on people. And one of the things that [my ex-gay friend] said to me, that I think is an astonishingly insightful remark. He said, 'all pornography is homosexual pornography because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards. Now think about that. And if you, if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to go out and get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants.' You know, that’s a, that’s a good comment. It’s a good point and it’s a good thing to teach young people." - Michael Schwartz, chief of staff to Senator Tom Coburn.

Yes, that's a very long quote. But if you were me, which part would you cut? I refuse to go all Sophie's Choice on this quote. I can't lose the first sentence, where he cites preteen boys as righteous paragons because of their visceral espousing of hatred for gays. Do I cut the bit where he boldly lies that science has proven that gays turn other people gay? I can't cut that, because that's fucking insane. But that's just appetizers for the final bit, which you may have seen quoted elsewhere, where the closeted "ex-gay" blames straight porn for turning people gay.

Now I will admit that most men viewing pornography do learn to enjoy the feel of a man's hand on their cock. But fucking your own hand doesn't make you gay. And it certainly doesn't turn your sexual drive inwards. If it did that, Kleenex would see their sales drop by a third overnight.

But the best part, the absolute best part, is where he actually suggests telling eleven year old boy "Stop looking at those naked titties, son. It'll just make you want to take it up the cornhole from a big hairy dude" as a means to curb homosexuality AND simultaneously destroy Playboy. It's like killing two birds with one stone, if the birds are two of the culture war's most demonized enemies and the stone is Schwartz's own feces that he's smearing all over the walls of his padded cell.

I mean, honestly, if preteen homophobia is such a fierce motivator, why not use it for something more practical than cultivating an aversion to porn? Let's fight childhood obesity! "When you spray that Easy Cheese into your mouth, son, you know what that's just like?" Or drug addiction! "Sure, that meth feels great now, son, but when your allowance runs out, guess what you'll be doing to get your next fix?" The options are limitless!* Just like idiocy at the Values Voters Summit.

*Fun writing trick: this is a great sentence to use when you don't feel like thinking of another option.