Archive - Sep 17, 2009

The Pitt And The Ponderum

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Memo to Big Hollywood: YOU WERE DUMB FOUR TO SIX WEEKS AGO.

Dipping into the deep research archives for something I meant to talk about at the time and never got around to. Back in July, Brad Pitt gave an interview or two where he discussed his religious beliefs, or lack thereof. This is no big deal, of course. Celebrities talk about their religion all the time. Or rather, it's not a big deal unless you're Big Fucking Deal Hollywood, and your sole purpose in life is to jump up and down and scream and shout every time someone in Hollywood threatens your ideals by not buying into them.

Big Hollywood posted THREE, count 'em, THREE articles on Brad Pitt's mild espousing of atheism over the course of two weeks. All of them featuring the stellar insight into / keen analysis of atheism you would expect from Breitbart's rag-tag fleet of washed-up fucktards. It all kicked off with "The Curious Case of Brad's Vacant Pitt", which cleverly recycles the name of a Brad Pitt movie from eight months previous.

In it, Jason Killian Meath, an ad-man for Dubya, makes the case that Pitt's charity work after Hurricane Katrina, and his worth as an adoptive parent, should be called into question because neither one gave him a spiritual awakening and brought him to Jeeeeeeeesus. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"If he’s still searching after all that, can’t he find a spark of spirituality in the innocent eyes of one of his six children — adopted or biological? As a parent, the purity of mind, body and spirit of a child is often miraculous and can move the soul quite unexpectedly. Pitt, and his wife Angelina Jolie, have traveled the world finding children — scooping them from war zones, disease and poverty — giving them opportunities in life they never would have dreamed possible. Still running on empty Brad?"

No, he's not running on empty, dipshit. He's famous, he's helping people, and he's having sex with Angelina Jolie. Three things you yourself will never accomplish. It's not Brad Pitt who's missing out on something by joining in your collective delusion. Still, good job trying to hide your intense jealousy behind a veneer of godly superiority. Even if it's only really fooling one dude.

Meath then handed the baton off to Cam Cannon, who had plenty of time free between never selling anyone a screenplay ever to write his own musing on Brad Pitt and godlessness. And manages to be even dumber than Meath.

"Why can’t you simply not believe in God? Surely atheism can exist without a hatred of religion. It’s particularly disturbing that the disdain atheistic non-religionistas have for religion is pretty much limited to Christianity – from my experience. I knew an atheist who was offended when someone at work played a CD by Christian rock band 'Third Day.'"

Dear sweet fuck, where to even begin. Well, let's start with the fact that his evidence for Pitt's "hatred of religion" is his joke that he'd run on a "no religion" platform for New Orleans Mayor. As stretches go, this falls somewhere between turning disobedient women into pillars of salt, and talking snakes tricking women into being disobedient. Now, I can't speak for Brad Pitt, but I think I've been more than clear over the years that I only hate religion when religion hurts people. Which it does a whole hell of a lot, especially in post-Puritan America, but if religion's just sitting back and minding its own business, all it gets is some good-natured ribbing from yours truly.

As for limiting it to Christianity, you're wrong again. You notice the Christianity because you're a Christian in a country filled with Christians. If I moved to Mumbai, you bet your ass I'd be bitching about all the Hindu and/or Muslim impositions enshrined into law. But I live here, and you won't shut the fuck up, so Christians get both barrels. Oh, and also, most Christians are offended by Christian rock on account of it sucking so hard. Don't blame that shit on us.

He also helpfully points out that "When atheist anti-religionistas complain about religious influence, they never point out the good things religious institutions do for society." Which is true. But irrelevent. Because as long as religion continues to produce morons like Cannon who would not only coin the phrase "anti-religionistas", but use it twice in the same article, no amount of charity work or art masterpieces can make up for the damage they've caused.

And finally, batting cleanup, we have our old pal Steven Crowder, taking a break from not being funny by accident so that he can touch on the same themes as Meath and Cannon*, only, you know. Douchier. ACTUAL DOUCHE TIME!

"'I was raised in a religious household… It just didn’t work for me in the long run,' Brad went on to say. Heck, I guess it wouldn’t work for me either if I wanted to live a life of hedonistic bliss similar to our Hollywood counterparts. If I were living a life of booze, sex and cocaine-off-of-the-ladies-hipbones, the last thing I’d want is to have held myself accountable to a power greater than myself."

Hipbones? Really? I admit I'm not up to date on the wholly imagined debauchery allegedly performed by middle-aged Hollywood actors decades ago, but surely most of the cocaine is being snorted off of titties? With some buttcheeks thrown in for variety? And don't give atheists shit about being held accountable to a higher power, Steven. You write for Big Hollywood, where you're not even held accountable to a fucking editor.

To hear Big Hollywood tell it, the atheist lifestyle is nothing but hedonism, hating Christians, hipbone cocaine, embracing radical Islam, and then furiously helping as many people as we possibly can in a futile attempt to fill the god-shaped hole in our souls. Congratulations, guys. Your perfect record of getting shit wrong remains untarnished.

*Which looks like Meat Hand Cannon, which perfectly describes the clumsy circle-jerk that is Big Hollywood's stock in trade, come to think of it.