Archive - Aug 2009

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Summer's Eve

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Memo to douches everywhere: IT'S AN HONOR JUST TO BE NOMINATED.

Longtime readers of You Are Dumb Dot Net know that I don't get into the personal stuff much, if at all. Still, some of you may be wondering why, with no notice, I suddenly decided to skip a week of columns. And so I'll tell you. It was all part of a plan.

You see, today is the last day of August. And in Minneapolis, the end of August, for all practical intents and purposes, is the end of summer. Summer's eve, if you will. And what better way to celebrate summer's eve than with a contest? A contest for the world's biggest douchebag. But there was one problem.

You see, over the years, YAD has earned global renown for standing athwart the rising tide of douchebaggery. And I wanted the dipshits, fucknuts, and scum-spewers of the world at the top of their game. So I needed to lull them into a false sense of security. I pulled YAD offline for a week so that they could feel free and unfettered, willing to bring their A-for-asshole game and give 110% in all the ways we hate their stupid, sorry asses. I even let the UNIVERSE'S GREATEST FOOD BLOG lie fallow for most of last week just to maintain the ruse. And it worked. We got some great contenders.

Obviously, the death of Ted Kennedy provided some primo opportunity for douchbaggery, and Andrew Breitbart, the man behind Big Hollywood, did his damndest to stagger up to the plate. He spent the entire day in drunkentweet heaven, hurling invective at Teddy's corpse 140 characters at a time, and then trying to justify it with this nomination-worthy excuse: ACTUAL TWEET TIME!

"I’ll shut my mouth for Carter. That’s just politics. Kennedy was a special pile of human excrement."

Unfortunately, Breitbart only takes third place, because, well, he was honest. Conservatives have always hated Ted Kennedy, and if you think his death might soften or abate that, you haven't been paying attention. Plus, Chappaquiddick actually gives their hatred a plausible moral grounding, so not only can they hate him, they can hate him with impunity. Breitbart's tweeted ravings were insensitive and douchey, but they were also a pure expression of conservative thought in regards to the entire Kennedy dynasty. Plus, as one who reserves the right to dance on as many graves as I can find once the Bush-Cheney crew starts succumbing to mortality, I can't really fault Andy for speaking ill of the dead.

Neither of them made the top three, but I do have to give honorable mention to both Roy Moore and Chuck Norris. Roy Moore is the Alabama "Ten Commandments" judge, who has been trying to parlay his failed opposition to the removal of a Ten Commandments monument into a political career for years now. He's running for Alabama governor, and he's just been endorsed by Chuck Norris. At the end of the day, this is nothing but a wingnut circle-jerk, but this is an opportunity to remind everyone that both Roy Moore and Chuck Norris are huge, huge douchebags, and it would be remiss of me not to take that opportunity.

Taking the silver medal in a valiant, valiant attempt is Kansas Republican congresswoman Lynn Jenkins, who, in a desperate attempt to find some way, any way, to beat a black man, turned to a historical example of people who were desperate to find some way, any way, to beat a black man. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Republicans are struggling right now to find the great white hope. I suggest to any of you who are concerned about that, who are Republican, there are some great young Republican minds in Washington."

In just two sentences, Lynn Jenkins has eloquently summarized the debate over whether opposition to Obama's policies is rooted in racism. The left sees a startlingly disproportionate level of opposition to Obama, notes a sharp increase in the number of e-mails going out about watermelons, fried chicken, and primates, and wonders what one thing is different about Obama that could account for it. The right, on the other hand, knows it's just a coincidence that Jenkins, for example, happened to use a phrase that was COINED to describe a man who could dethrone the first black heavyweight boxing champ, Jack Johnson, over a hundred years ago. And that when Jenkins said "white", she meant, you know. bright. Like bright, shining lights. Not a race thing, really. And not douchey in the slightest.

If I may draw my own sports parallel, Lynn Jenkins is like that guy that touched the wall a hundredth of a second after Michael Phelps in the 2008 Olympics. In any other year, in any other competition, she'd have won, hands-down. But she happened to be competing against the best of the best. Randall Terry, a man whose douchiness could fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool with vinegar and water, and still have enough left over to run the cool-down Jacuzzi.

I mean, I'm sure a lot of people -say- they'd like to set new standards in town-hall assholery, massively racist anti-Obama protesting, and completely bugfuck embryo-fetishism, but it takes the evil, warped mind of a Randall Terry to... to... I'm sorry, I'll just let the news article in "The Hill" describe it, because even I can't embellish this reality.

"Terry’s colleagues put on a skit with a man in an Obama mask pretending to whip a bloodied woman, who kept saying, 'Massa, don’t hit me no more. I got the money to kill the babies.' Terry himself dressed in a doctor’s lab coat and pretended to stab a woman in a gray wig. 'There’s no way to pay for this thing without killing granny,' Terry explained."

How do you compete with that? It's got everything. Theatrics! Costumes! Playing to racist fears that Obama is going to institute white slavery! When it comes to being a douche, Randall Terry cannot be beaten. No matter how much he clearly deserves to be beaten. Repeatedly. With a shoe.