You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Jun 25, 2009
Memo to Mark Sanford: BUSTED.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to fuck our Argentinian mistress. God, I love that phrase. "Argentinian mistress". I happened to be able to watch the press conference, and in the world of political theater, this was Andrew Lloyd Webber's all-singing, all-dancing production of "Hamlet".
It started with five minutes of apologizing without telling us what he was apologizing for. All the subtext pointed to the second "family values" Republican affair revelation in the past few weeks, but with all his talk about "God's law", and protecting people from themselves, I honestly thought he might have been fucking a llama. Usually, with an affair, the wife is there behind him, so the lack of a wife made me briefly consider other forms of south-of-the-border action.
But when the Secret Argentinian Mistress peso finally dropped, oh lord, it was the schadenfreude jackpot. Lights were flashing, bells were ringing, and hundreds and hundreds of golden schadenfreude coins rained down from the sky. In less than a week, the Mark Sanford story went from "where is he", to "he's here", to "then why's his car at the Atlanta airport", to "why is he flying back from Argentina", to "you can't drive along the coastline in Buenos Aires", to "Argentinian mistress". It's almost impossible, in this day and age, for someone to flame out that spectacularly in politics.
Now, as I write this, it's mere minutes after the shocking (Argentinian mistress! Woo!) revelation, but there's already a few pieces of spin making the rounds that need to be shot the fuck down.
The first is that what Sanford did was brave or courageous. BULLSHIT. Yes, he was direct and honest with the public. Why? Because he got caught. He got caught lying about where he was going, he got caught lying about why he was where he was, and he's been covering up this affair for a year, including apparently the last five months since his wife found out. That isn't fucking bravery. That's not fucking honesty. That was the last desperate act of someone who knew that he'd run out of lies. Fuck that noise.
And while we're fucking noise, fuck the noise that you can't make "political hay" out of this. With Republican affairs, there's always a hypocrisy factor. It was true of John Ensign, moral crusader and marriage enthusiast, and if a Mark Sanford 2012 blog is to be believed (shortly before it closes its doors forever, one would presume), Sanford was against gay marriage and gay adoption. Of course, the Mark Sanford 2012 blog also said this, which I want to preserve for the ages because of how mind-bogglingly wrong it turned out to be. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"Well, thanks to the invasive media, starting today he is back at work in Columbia. So where has he been hiding? I’ll let the government-run media fight over which trails he was at. But don’t believe for a second that his wife and other VIP’s didn’t know where he was. Quite simply, he left for a few days to clear his head. He did this without taking his private security detail, which you and I pay for. Because of this no one really wanted to tell the media where he actually was. They knew - but they were smart enough to not give it away."
Unfortunately, Mark Sanford wasn't smart enough to not give it away, and so my black, black soul is filled with glee. Because there's another reason to make political hay about this - yes, the affair makes him a big stinking hypocrite, but more importantly, the affair made him do a stupid, irresponsible thing - vanishing for a week without making arrangements with anyone to be in charge in case of an emergency. That's fucked up, and I'd hate for the waves of sympathy for his family and calls for privacy to make us lose sight of that fact.
Is this all rationalization? Is this all what I tell myself to justify my tribalistic glee at One Of Theirs essentially taking himself off the national chess board? Mmmmmmmaybe. Does that bother me in the slightest? Like fuck it does. Anyway, I like to think that if a Democrat had been busted sneaking away to visit his, and I'll say it again because I love the way it rolls off my keyboard, SECRET ARGENTINIAN MISTRESS, I would be 85 to 90 percent as schadengasmic as I am right now.