Archive - May 6, 2009

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Bacholalia

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Memo to Michelle Bachmann: STOP HIJACKING MY WEDNESDAYS.

Don't make me retire your number. I've done it before. It's been years since some stupid provocative bullshit Ann Coulter said made it onto this page*. I know we like to think our relationship as moron and mocker is a special one, but don't fucking think for a second that I won't drop you and never let your name darken my intertubes again if I decide that you're just milking it for the attention.

But for now I still believe that you believe at least half the shit you say, and are saying the other half not out of a perfectly rational desire to sell books to idiots and get on the teevee, but instead out of an insanely irrational desire to play your newfound role to the hilt, to an unknown and possibly unknowable end. And as long as I think that's true, there'll be room for all-Bachmann editions of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"So what's next? Is it political show trials? Well, shazam, wouldn't you know it, just this week President Obama, together with MoveOn.org, MoveOn.org running television adds by the way, this week calling for political show trials of those in the Bush administration that worked so hard to keep the American people free from terrorist acts, real terrorist acts, like trying to blow Americans up on American soil. This is an upside down Alice in Wonderland world. I can see why the American people are so upset right now. They are so upset. They look at what's happening. They shake their head. They say, is this America? Is this what we are used to? We are normal God-fearing people who love this country, and now we are the threat while Osama bin Laden and the people who seek to really bring us harm are let off scot free." - Bachmann, on the House floor.

See what I mean? This shit has the ring of true paranoia about it. I can't see anyone in their right mind using the word "shazam" like that. Bachmann, by the way, is very upset at that report that said right-wing extremists might be dangerous. That'd be a report commissioned by the same administration that let Osama bin Laden off scot-free, and, thanks to botched investigations and illegal interrogations, made it impossible to properly prosecute terror suspects. And Dubya didn't need any help from MoveOn.org to do it. Also, speak for yourself on that God-fearing bullshit already.

"During the last 100 days we have seen an orgy. It would make any local smorgasbord embarrassed. The government spent its wad by April 26. Every dime government spends after April 26 throughout the rest of this fiscal year is borrowed money." - Bachmann, at an anti-tax rally.

Once again, I find myself wishing I lived in the religion-oppressing, gun-stealing, nightmare fantasy world that Bachmann loves to talk about. I mean, a hundred-day orgy? If we're going to go down like Rome, we should at least get to have some Caligula-style freakiness while we're at it. But Bachmann appears to be confusing bridge-building and unemployment benefits with an "orgy", which isn't surprising since she also appears to have confused an "orgy" with a "buffet". I'm surprised Old Country doesn't have a restraining order against her. Also, please add Michelle Bachmann to the list of people I never, ever want to hear use the word "wad" again.

"Before we commit anymore (sic) taxpayers’ dollars, I want to ensure that organizations, such as ACORN, are prohibited from receiving funds while simultaneously facing charges of voter fraud and tax violations." - Bachmann, after a bit of cleverness clearly initiated by one of her staffers.

Here's what happened. Bachmann added an amendment to a mortgage reform bill while it was in committee. Barney Frank, the committee chairman, inexplicably failed to automatically treat anything Bachmann said as completely fucking radioactive, and it got in. What the amendment does is prohibit federal funds going to organizations under indictment for voter fraud. Notice it doesn't say "convicted"? Just under indictment. ACORN, with its inexplicable ability to still draw conservative ire, is probably going to be under indictment somewhere or other at any given moment, so this amendment would presumably keep money from going to ACORN even if they're eventually exonerated.

I say "presumably" because Bachmann made the above boast about her amendment after it got into the bill, but before the bill passed. And while Barney Frank is perhaps not suspicious enough for my taste, he's also not a complete idiot, and thus there's no chance in hell Bachmann's amendment will actually make it into law. Which means one of three things. Bachmann is an idiot, Bachmann cares less about the law being passed than she does about being seen to fight the crazy fight against ACORN, or most likely, both.

You know what the amazing thing about all this is? I managed to fill an entire column about Michelle Bachmann's crazy, stupid rantings of recent weeks, and I didn't even bother to mention her spoonerizing the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act into "Hoot-Smawley", blaming swine flu on Democracts while simultaneously not knowing who was president in 1976, and making what is at least her second implication that Obama is enslaving our nation's youth. I no longer wonder how long she can go on like this without incurring the wrath of the voters. Now I wonder which will come first - the 2010 election, or the news story about her being caught in a park strangling what she insists are Communist jihadi squirrels.

*The one exception being when she actually fucked up, instead of pretending to be fucked up.