Archive - May 5, 2009
5 May, 2009 - 14:16 — Bryan Lambert
Memo to Republicans: PLEASE, EMBRACE MISS CALIFORNIA.
All hail the Republican Party's newest hero! To hear them tell it, Carrie Prejean is the right-wing, homophobic Norma Rae, bravely standing up for her ideals in the face of brutish opposition by left-wing forces and brazen homosexual gossip columnists. And it is vitally important that none of us accidentally convince them otherwise. Because Carrie Prejean is the latest example of a pathological sickness spreading through the GOP like gangbusters. Spite Flu.
If you've perchance been in a cave for the past couple of weeks, during the Miss USA pageant, Carrie "Miss California" Prejean was asked about gay marriage by Perez Hilton, as part of a series of politically-themed questions designed, apparently, to test the effects of collagen, silicone, and Botox on mental functioning. The results can't be good for America's pharmaceutical industries, because here is what Prejean said. ACTUAL QUOTE-YOU'VE-ALREADY-HEARD-TOO-MUCH TIME!
"I think it's great that Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land that you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage and, you know what, in my country and my family I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anyone out there but that's how I was raised and that's how I think it should be between a man and a woman."
Prejean lost the title, coming in second. It is widely believed that this answer caused her to lose the vote of the very gay Hilton, a sentiment furthered by Hilton calling her a "dumb bitch" on his blog. This has turned Prejean into the latest conservative martyr-darling, which is awesome. Because Prejean IS a dumb bitch. Forget the politics of her answer, just revel in the semantics of it. Every single word choice puts the lie to beauty pageants' claims to being about the whole person, that the T and A they celebrate are Talent and Achievement. No. There are dozens of answers in any given pageant that approach this level of stupid, and a few that propel the utterer into the national spotlight. This was one.
But remember what I said about Spite Flu? Or, to use its more technical name, the I0Q0 virus? Its chief symptom is a sort of tunnel vision caused by anyone liberals make fun of. The most famous case, of course, is Sam The Not Plumber, who got justly and roundly mocked for his completely wrong and insane views on how his nonexistent business where he does no plumbing would be adversely affected by Obama's proposed tax hikes. The I0QO, roused from its dormant state, turned Wurzelbacher into a micro-celebrity, a fame which he milks to this day, getting asked about things he knows nothing about as a spokesman for the modern Republican Party.
And so it is with Prejean. Not even the news that the Miss USA pageant had paid for her breast implants weeks before the competition dimmed their love for their shining advocate of the opposite marriage. I guess lifting yourself up by your own boobstraps isn't as important a virtue as irritating homosexuals. She's already appeared in one ad for the National Organization for Marriage* (the Gathering Storm people) and speaking to crowds, like at an event in San Diego where she shamelessly embraced her new official narrative.
"I knew I had to stay true to my beliefs and not let them intimidate me into taking back what I said because I don't take back what I said,"
Here's what they cannot, under any circumstances, find out. Nobody really attacked Carrie Prejean for opposing gay marriage. I mean, like anyone who opposed gay marriage, she's a fucking bigot, and wrong, but if she'd actually just come out and said she was against it, nobody would have noticed. But that's not what she did. First she tried to pretend that people could choose same-sex marriage in more than a handful of states. Then she said it was different in her country. And then she, lest we forget, called man-woman marriage OPPOSITE MARRIAGE.
I guarantee you that if she'd somehow managed to state her support for gay marriage in such moronic and inelegant terms, she'd still have become a national laughingstock. The only difference is, we on the left wouldn't have picked her up on our shoulders and carried her for a pity lap around the country, because we're smart enough to know how bad she'd make us look. So please, keep Miss California in the spotlight for as long as possible. Run her for office, so that once she's old enough to join a Presidential ticket, she and the notplumber can run a campaign that will make McCain-Palin seem like a Mensa meeting at the Algonquin Round Table. Let's just hope they never, ever, ever find a cure for what ails them.
*Can any new right-wing organization bother to do a Google search before they settle on a moniker? Just in the past few months we've had teabaggers, Two Million For Marriage (aka 2M4M!) and now NOM. Unless they deliberately wanted to associate themselves with a munching pussy. It's possible.