Archive - May 2009

May 29th

Crazy Race / Race Crazy

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Memo to Tom Tancredo, Mark Krikorian, and possibly other nutjobs: YOU ARE DUMB.

I know, I know. Do a whole day on stupid Supreme Court shit, skip a day, and come right back to stupid Supreme Court shit? That is a topic list distinctly lacking in variety. But the most important and interesting parts of any race are the beginning and the end. That's where the big crashes happen. And we are smack dab in the midst of a 25K Crazy Run, with any Republican who doesn't have to worry about re-election seeing just how fucking nuts he can get about Sonia Sotomayor. And we have a couple of leading contenders for frontrunner.

First we have Mark Krikorian, over at The Corner on National Review Online. You remember The Corner. It's where they make the dunces go and sit. Anyway, you remember that stupid fucking hick-woman down in Texas who suggested that, for the ease of election judges, those ethnics with their fancy names should change them to something white people can understand? Well, apparently her crazy is contagious like swine flu, because Krikorian's got it, and there ain't no cure. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Deferring to people's own pronunciation of their names should obviously be our first inclination, but there ought to be limits. Putting the emphasis on the final syllable of Sotomayor is unnatural in English (which is why the president stopped doing it after the first time at his press conference), unlike my correspondent's simple preference for a monophthong over a diphthong, and insisting on an unnatural pronunciation is something we shouldn't be giving in to." - Krikorian, who apparently has no problem with unnatural sentence structure and ending his sentences in a preposition, asshole.*

First of all, stop hiding behind Obama's skirt, you fucking coward. If she pronounces it with the emphasis on the last syllable, that's how Obama should have pronounced it the entire time. And if he didn't, that doesn't give you carte douche. Lord knows, I can see how a preference for diphthongs helps you at the Corner - it's the largest collection of diphthongs on the entire Internet. But it's not unnatural. Add final syllable emphasis to homosexuality and taxes to the list of things that conservatives can't seem to get over, even though their lives would be infinitely easier if they could just adapt. But adapting's too much like evolving, I guess.

On a more ambiguous front, TPM reports that The Hill reports that unnamed people report that some conservatives are worried that Sotomayor's love of weird ethnic food (pig's feet and chickpeas, which they are inexplicably calling pig's tongue and ears) might influence her rulings from the bench. This is clearly more insane than what Krikorian said and what you're about to learn Tancredo said, but until they're willing to say it with a straight face on a cable news show, I'm afraid they will remain a distant third. If they want to make up some ground, they could always infer from her love of garbanzos that Sotomayor has a chickpenis**.

But when it comes to crazy, Tom Tancredo is like Usain Bolt, Michael Phelps, and Lance Armstrong all rolled up into one. I knew he was gonna be awesome, because first, he hates Mexicans, and second, he thinks anyone with a tan who likes tacos is a Mexican. So you know he's gonna hate Sotomayor. And when he went on CNN and called her a racist on Wednesday morning, I cursed that slow son of a bitch out for not doing it on Tuesday so he could make the column. But then it got better.

You see, Sotomayor is a member of La Raza. La Raza's a lot like ACORN - it's a generally benign group that's demonized by conservatives because it serves people who don't vote Republican. Plus it ties into all their secret reconquista and Aztlan fears - the stuff they shit themselves over to give themselves a break from pissing themselves over sharia law and demographic winter. And here, dear, gentle readers, is how Tancredo described La Raza.

"If you belong to an organization called La Raza, in this case, which is, from my point of view anyway, nothing more than a Latino — it’s a counterpart — a Latino KKK without the hoods or the nooses. If you belong to something like that in a way that’s going to convince me and a lot of other people that it’s got nothing to do with race. Even though the logo of La Raza is “All for the race. Nothing for the rest.” What does that tell you?"

It tells me that Tom Tancredo is fucking crazy, that's what it tells me. First of all, a KKK without the hoods or the nooses is a hell of a lot better than the KKK. The hoods and the nooses are a big part of the problem with the Klan, Tom. I love how he equates them, as if the tendency to lynch people while remaining completely anonymous isn't that big a deal. Apart from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

On top of that, no they're not. And that's not their logo. And that's not what a logo is. And what the fuck does that middle sentence even mean? The one that starts with "If you belong" and ends with "nothing to do with race". Seriously, that's some unnatural-sounding English, but I don't see Mark Krikorian jumping down Tancredo's throat, making him pronounce that sentence in a way that makes some damn sense.

It's gonna be a long, exhausting run from now to confirmation, and there's still a chance for the usual suspects to put on a burst of psychosis and pass Tancredo. But from where I stand right now, he looks pretty unstoppable.

*I am unduly influenced by my heritage, which largely consists of hoary old punchlines.

**Hooked On Phonics worked for me!