Archive - Apr 2009

April 20th

Irritable Backlog Syndrome

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Memo to Andy Westerhaus and Donald Wildmon: YOU ARE DUMB.

I hope you enjoyed Operation: Foolpity last week. I know I did. But dealing with one topic for an entire week has unfortunate consequences to the You Are Dumb digestive tract. Normally, this site exists to consume stupidity and poop out anger and comedy. But there was a lot of stupidity on the plate last week, which means that the digital colon is jam-packed with last week's idiocy. There's a lot of work to do, so grab something to read and have a seat.

First, I need to answer a question Andy Westerhaus posed in a letter to the editor in the Star Tribune. I don't need to specifically answer Andy, but he did pose a question that perfectly summed up something that was pissing me off all last week, so he wins. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I find it very disturbing that the State Department refrains from calling the Somali pirates 'terrorists,' but a recently released report by the Department of Homeland Security has no qualms about calling American right-wing extremists potential 'terrorists.'"

Allow me to help you be less disturbed, Andy. The reason you find this particular dichotomy troubling is because, well, you're a fucking idiot. One common symptom of fucking idiocy is not knowing what words mean. A pirate, for example, is a pirate. Someone who goes out on the sea, captures boats with valuable cargo, steals that valuable cargo, possibly killing or capturing or ransoming people in the process, and then going on their way. The only thing that distinguishes piracy from armed robbery, kidnapping, homicide, and murder is that if you take a good look around, you'll see it's on a motherfucking boat.

The reason piracy isn't terrorism is because they're not stealing shit to make a political point or achieve a political objective. They're stealing shit because they want more shit. In this respect, they have a lot more in common with Bernie Madoff or AIG's financial products division than they share with Osama bin Laden. Now, I'm not going to get too heavily into the DHS report, because that's an entirely different portion of my backlog, but if right-wing extremists do in fact engage in violent acts, they will be politically motivated, and thus will be terrorism. Yes, I understand that the Somali pirates are brown and Muslim, and the right-wing extremists are white and Christian, but despite what you've chosen to believe during this decade, that's not actually what we base the definition of "terrorism" on.

And speaking of right-wing extremism, Friday was the National Day of Silence. The good news is that, since most of the nutjobs, freaks, fuckwads, bigots, and embryo-fetishists were all tuckered out from waving around their misspelled signs and tying teabags to their hats, so they couldn't make their usual big deal about it. The bad news is, Donald Wildmon does still have my e-mail address, and dropped me a line amidst calls for tax protests to ensure I knew it was happening. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"On this day, thousands of public high schools and increasing numbers of middle schools will allow students to remain silent throughout an entire day-even during instructional time-to promote GLSEN's socio-political goals and its controversial, unproven, and destructive theories on the nature and morality of homosexuality. Parents must actively oppose this hijacking of the classroom for political purposes. Please join the national effort to restore to public education a proper understanding of the role of government-subsidized schools. You can help de-politicize the learning environment by calling your child out of school if your child's school allows students to remain silent during instructional time on the Day of Silence."

Now, I know this will come as no surprise when it comes to Donald Wildmon and the American Family Association, but short of actually tying someone to a fence and beating them to death, there is no greater indicator of pure anti-gay bigotry and hatred than opposition to the Day of Silence. It infuriates me like few things in this world infuriate me.

What's the official mantra of the anti-gay religious zealot? "Hate the sin, love the sinner". Which we all know is bullshit, but let's take it at face value for as long as we can keep that face straight. OK. National Day of Silence involves students remaining silent for the entire day to raise awareness of bullying and violence against gay and lesbian students. Wildmon and his ilk see this as "controversial, unproven, and destructive theories on the nature and morality of homosexuality." That's fucked up.

So "hate the sin, love the sinner" becomes "hate the sin, love the sinner, beat the shit out of the sinner and call him 'faggot' unless he renounces his sin and pretends to be straight in public". And all because telling people it's wrong to harass gay people interferes with Donald Wildmon's loving Christian message... somehow.

About the only thing that could be considered "progress" this year is that, instead of organizing a counter-protest, like previous years' Day of Truth in which Christians would spend the day harassing homosexuals and their supporters, they're just suggesting parents keep their kids home for the day. Because to a Wildmonite, it's much better that they learn nothing for a day than take the chance they might learn something their moron parents don't agree with. My only solace is, as always, the increasing marginalization of these fuckheads, as the world becomes more and more accepting, and they get painted into a smaller and smaller corner. And that's always fun to watch.