Archive - Apr 29, 2009

Arlen You Glad I Didn't Say Banana?

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Memo to the Internet: SUBMITTING AS REQUIRED.

I'm going to reveal the kind of deeply-held secret that sends teams of trained assassin-monks after Tom Hanks. If you want to write about politics on the Internet, you need a license. It's not difficult to get, obviously. I mean, look who they give them to. But there are certain requirements for maintenance and upkeep. Yesterday morning, everyone who writes about politics on the Internet got a phone call. A heavily computer-disguised voice uttered two words: Arlen Specter. And we all knew what we had to do to keep our license.

As a general rule, I take issue with party-jumpers. Not because I'm a fan of dogmatic allegiance, but simply because all party changes are born out of rank political opportunism. All of 'em. Joe Lieberman changed parties when he lost a primary. Zell Miller changed parties because he wanted the attention. Norm Coleman changed parties because the GOP offered him full dental. And Arlen Specter changed parties mainly so that he wouldn't miss out on Taco Tuesdays in the Senate cafeteria. He was gonna lose the primary to anti-tax psycho Pat Toomey, and Pat Toomey was gonna lose the general election to the Democrat, so Specter decided to cut out the middleman and pass the seniority on to... himself.

When it comes to policy, Arlen Specter will be a shitty Democrat. Maybe even worse than Joe Lieberman and Ben Nelson, which isn't fucking easy. Thank goodness politics isn't about policy, then. Because from the superficial world of political appearances upon which the fate of our nation rests, this is a giant pile of awesome. In the tribal scorekeeping world of modern American politics, 60-40 beats the spread. And to celebrate this superficial and meaningless victory, let's go to the losers' locker room for a brief installment of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"When Sen. Specter voted for a $787 billion big-spending bill no elected official had even read, he widened the gap between himself and the tax-paying small-government conservatives who are the base of the Republican Party." - Newt Gingrich.

Um, Newt? I don't know where you were on April 15, but I'm pretty sure the base of the Republican Party either doesn't pay taxes, on account of all their millions being in off-shore tax havens, or don't WANT to pay any taxes because Glenn Beck told them that's what Hitler wants. It's tough for a largely imaginary group of people to vote, so maybe you shouldn't be appealing to them.

"I would rather have 30 Republicans in the Senate who really believe in principles of limited government, free markets, free people, than to have 60 that don’t have a set of beliefs." - Senator Jim DeMint

Arlen Specter should send Jim DeMint a fruit basket. Until DeMint said this, the single biggest lie being told about Arlen Specter's party switch was Arlen Specter saying he was doing it after deep soul-searching about the party's direction and his personal political philosophy. If twenty Democratic senators walked up to Jim DeMint tomorrow morning and offered to switch parties, I guarantee you Senator DeMint would have a really sore jaw by noon.

"Look how well Sarah Palin did, appealing to true conservatives. She scared the left so badly that they are STILL going after her. Just think what a true, fiery conservative could do in an election! A team of them would scare the pants off Soros and the rest of the fascists." - Some delusional Freeper posting in their digital circle jerk.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Republican base. Yes, we were afraid of Sarah Palin... until the chances of her actually running the country slipped to zero. That turned her into a punchline, which is what makes you think we're "going after her". These people really need to learn the difference between vilification and vindication. I'd also love to see a team of true, fiery conservatives, but I don't think they'll make a very effective giant robot when all of them try to form the ass.

So pardon me while I revel in the collective hissyfit of the GOP, from the belligerent "we never wanted him around anyway, he smelled funny" wingnuts to the "hey, maybe doubling down on Palinite insanity wasn't the wisest post-election strategy" doomsayers. Twist in the wind, fuckheads, because I'm going to need all the schadenfun I can manage before Specter starts casting votes.