You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Mar 11, 2009
Memo to blastula-humpers: SUCK. ON. IT.
This week, President Obama reversed President Bush's ban on federal funding of embryonic stem cell research. It was a great day for science, as a decision made entirely on the basis of religious fervor, as a sop to the American Taliban, was sent down the memory hole. The "culture of life" has been told to back off in favor of a culture that actually supports helping real people live.
But you know what? Even if it wasn't good science, even if it might not lead to cures for diabetes and Parkinson's disease and paralysis and all the other lines of research that have been stalled because of Dubya's insistence that medical waste has a soul? I'd still be fully in favor of Obama's move, purely out of spite. Because this ban reversal is making the right people the right kind of crazy, and any time that happens, it's a good thing.
Whether they do it out of true belief or for political gain, embryo-fetishists and their enablers hate this reversal. They've spent years convincing themselves that frozen fertilized embryos destined for the trash bin are actually "snowflake children", with faces and the ability to express thoughts along the lines of the Horta. NO KILL I. We've seen where this line of thinking ultimately leads - to a crazy woman with six kids implanting six more frozen embryos and having eight more children. And, by the way, not a single interviewer thinking to ask her where the extra two souls came from.
When those people, especially the true believers, imagine embryonic stem cell research, they don't think of scientists carefully coaxing bunches of cells to develop in specific ways. They imagine tiny frozen babies being vivisected by cackling Nazis, with lots of whirring saws and needles and cackling. They will convince themselves that this is going on, and worry themselves sick about their inability to stop it. And this is a state of affairs I support one hundred fucking percent. Listen to some of the reaction to the decision from the Star Tribune comments page. ACTUAL COMMENTS TIME!
"Would it be wrong if only gay and minority embryos were destroyed for this research? Something to ponder as we slide at full speed down the slippery slope." - Commenter "kleindropper". Showing the public's awesome command of how this shit works. For this "slippery slope" to work, first we'd have to find some way of determining whether a frozen embryo is gay. Then a whole bunch of gay, minority, and straight white embryos would have to be created for in vitro fertilization and frozen. Then, all the gay and minority embryos would be used for stem cell research, while all the white embryos would be implanted into... who? It's not like there's a surplus of Christian wombs lining up to save the snowflake children now. This "slippery slope" is uphill and has a coefficient of friction higher than Kleindropper's IQ.
"What is next: Manditory Cloning of all human beings, upon birth, just in case a 'replacement' is needed." - "securpo", whose mandatory replacement will hopefully be taught to spell "mandatory". He is also insane. If, by chance, we develop cloning, and if, by chance, we start growing clones for transplant parts, that shit will not be mandatory. Hell, that shit won't even be covered by your HMO. It'll be the purview of the wealthy only. Rush Limbaugh will have a new, Oxycontin-free liver, and "securpo" will die alone in a gutter, safe in the knowledge that he was never forced by the government to clone himself.
"Remember, those great progressive doctors are the ones who brought us Eugenics. It was the progressive movement and it science. Let’s put science truly in her place. If evolution is right, why don’t we just help out evolution? That was the idea. And sane people agreed with it! And it was from America. Progressive movement in America. Eugenics. In case you don’t know what Eugenics led us to: the Final Solution. A master race! A perfect person... The stuff that we are facing is absolutely frightening." - Strib commenter "glennbeck"... wait, no. This is actually Glenn Beck.
Please, please, PLEASE let Glenn Beck's fear of Obama's nonexistent Nazi eugenics programs replace his fear of Obama's nonexistent socialist economic programs. The socialist bullshit has gained too much traction as it is, and while I could see the mainstream media deciding to run with an "Obama as Mengele" theme, the part of me that should know better thinks that it's too ridiculous for even Wolf Blitzer to mention. Of course, I'd have said the same thing about "socialism" four years ago.
Fuck all of 'em. We'll go on with our lives, actually learning things from science, and the fetishists can weep and wail and cry their eyes out about the poor defenseless "snowflake children". And then, just to twist the knife, we'll reveal that the next great boner pill on the market is the direct result of embryonic stem cells. Let's see how quickly Beck and Ralph Reed keep their morals when their shrunken, limp peckers depend on it. And we will take pictures of them at the head of the line at Walgreen's, and we will laugh. Oh, how we'll laugh.