Archive - Feb 2009

February 18th

The Never-Ending Sorry

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Memo to Ted Kefalinos, Andrew Card, and Bryan Stevenson: YOU ARE DUMB.

It never stops. As long as there is oxygen-rich air on the planet Earth, that air will be drawn into the lungs of idiots. The oxygen from that air will be extracted into the bloodstream, where a tiny fraction of it will feed atrophied brains. Those brains will spark, weakly, sending signals to the larynx, which will vibrate over the expelled air, allowing IDIOTS to SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"I'm sorry that people were offended by the cookie. We were just trying to make a large number of people happy, and instead we made a large number of people confused and angry." - Ted Kefalinos, owner of the Lafayette French Bakery in New York City.

There really needs to be a new rule for public apologies. Just making one shouldn't be sufficient. The apology needs to be proportional to the offense. So if you're the owner of a New York Bakery, and you make up a large batch of, oh, let's say cookies shaped like black caricatures, and you call them "Drunken Negro Cookies", and you sell them on Martin Luther King day, you shouldn't be able to say "I'm sorry that people were offended by the cookies." They're DRUNKEN NEGRO COOKIES. You're not sorry that people were offended. You were trying to offend them. You're sorry you got in trouble for it.

You were trying to make a large number of FUCKING RACISTS happy, which is probably not the brightest marketing move in the middle of New York City. As much as I'd need to shower afterwards, I'd love to get inside this fucker's head for just long enough to glean what he -thought- was going to happen when he started peddling Drunken Negro Cookies on MLK Day. What fucked-up fantasy world was he living in where everyone would have a good laugh at the drunken negroes' expense, and he'd rake in the dough? I'm fascinated by the delusion, and horrified by the result.

"I found that Ronald Reagan and both President Bushes treated the Oval Office with tremendous respect. They treated the Office of the Presidency with tremendous respect. And some of that respect was reflected in how they expected people to behave, how they expected them to dress when they walked into the symbol of freedom for the world, the Oval Office. And yes, I’m disappointed to see the casual, laissez faire, short sleeves, no shirt and tie, no jacket, kind of locker room experience that seems to be taking place in this White House and the Oval Office." - Former White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card.

You know what? I'm not going to even take into consideration the number of pictures there are of George W. Bush violating Andy Card's precious little dress code during his eight years in office. I'm letting this garden-variety mendaciousness go, as a gift to Andrew Card's astonishing stupidity. Fuck it. Pretend it never happened.

Instead, let me pose a hypothetical. Let's say that you're a prisoner of the United States. Let's say you've been held in Guantanamo Bay. And let's say, just for the sake of argument, that you've had your balls sliced open with a scalpel to get you to talk. Oh, and then they drop all charges against you. Do you think you'll care what the son of a bitch that ordered your balls being sliced open by a scalpel was wearing when he ordered them to slice your balls open with a scalpel? I don't.

Does Andy Card think the presence of a tie and jacket while ordering genital mutilation somehow mitigates the genital mutilation? Gives the genital mutilation that extra frisson of class and style that elevates us above the common genital-mutilating barbarians whose genitals we must apparently mutilate in order to beat them? Fuck Andy Card, and on the slim chance there is a hell, let's hope it's full of scalpels.

"What we are dealing with today is the greatest power grab by the federal government since the war of northern aggression." - Missouri state representative Bryan Stevenson.

I've said it before, and I'll be forced to say it again and again. The only difference between the average state House of Representatives and the average insane asylum is the average pay. No other job in the history of this column has provided such a rich variety of clinical stupidity. And the farther south the state is, the richer the variety. Go on, guess what piece of legislation Stevenson was comparing to the Civil Fucking War. I dare you.

It was the Freedom of Choice Act. A mild pushback against two decades of anti-abortion, embryo-fetishising, codified bullshit at the federal level. And Stevenson, bless his inky, black heart, not only compares it to the Civil War, but does so in a way that reveals he thought the South should have succeeded in seceding. Fucking amazing. After the other Missouri state reps objected to the comment, or at least the Democrats did, he retracted his remarks, apologized, and as a gesture of good will, handed out a box of cookies he got on clearance from a New York bakery.