Archive - Feb 2009

February 26th

Evolution, Sexual Reproduction, And The Butt

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Memo to Frederickson, Palin, and Buttars: YOU ARE DUMB.

Um, yeah. You know yesterday? When I said I had a ton of quotes in the bank for Idiots Say The Damndest Things? Did you think I was kidding? Did you think I was lying? Did you perhaps think you would escape this week's rundown of Tardlett's Familiar Quotations? You thought wrong. IDIOTS DO IN FACT SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"Darwin, however, is best known for the theory of evolution, arguing that men are not only, quote, are only not, not created, but they are not equal, as some are more evolved. Whereas Darwin's theory was used by atheists to explain away belief in God, the last act of Congress signed by Abraham Lincoln before he was shot was to place the phrase 'In God We Trust' on our national coin." - Virginia State Rep. Jeff Frederick, comparing Darwin to Abraham Lincoln because they both share a birthday.

I have a question. Do state lawmakers have, you know, shit to do? Aren't they supposed to be writing laws and passing budgets and shit? Where do they find the time to constantly say stupid shit? Is it the time normal people spend reading books and learning things? I mean, yeah, technically, Darwin and evolution do say that man was not only are only not not created, assuming I'm untangling that correctly, but that has nothing to do with the phrase "all men are created equal". And we don't quote Darwin to explain away belief in God, we use it to explain away literal belief in Genesis, because literal belief in Genesis is retarded. But all of this pales in comparison with my confusion about how saying this shit is part of Frederick's job duties.

"I don’t want to get into detail about that. But I think abstinence is, like — like, the — I don’t know how to put it — like, the main — everyone should be abstinent or whatever, but it’s not realistic at all." - Bristol Palin.

Now, I don't want to pick on Bristol Palin too much. I mean, it's clear she got her brains from the same place she got her ravening fertility, but she still managed, somehow, to hit on a truth that has eluded her mother and her mother's most fervent followers. Abstinence-only education requires stupid girls to stay stupid AND stay abstinent. Proper sex education, on the other hand, only requires stupid girls to be marginally less stupid. Then they can follow their biological urges to their hearts' content. That's why it's actually effective.

Bristol, by the way, then got attacked by the National Abstinence Education Commission, who took time out from their busy day of eating Graham crackers and testing chastity belts to make sure that nobody took the advice of a teen who was taught abstinence-only, fucked her boyfriend anyway, and had a baby. Thanks, assholes!

"To me, homosexuality will always be a sexual perversion. And you say that around here now and everybody goes nuts! But I don’t care They say, I’m born that way. There’s some truth to that, in that some people are born with an attraction to alcohol. They’re mean! They want to talk about being nice — they’re the meanest buggers I ever seen. It’s just like the Moslems. Moslems are good people and their religion is anti-war. But it’s been taken over by the radical side. And the gays are totally taken over by the radical side. I believe that you will destroy the foundation of American society, because I believe the cornerstone of it is a man and a woman, the family. … And I believe that they’re, internally, they’re probably the greatest threat to America going down I know of. Yep, the radical gay movement. - Utah State Senator Chris Buttars.

Instead of commenting on the Utah State Senator's fine, fine quote, I'm going to try out a new bit of technology we've acquired here at You Are Dumb Industries. It's a filtering technique that is designed to reduce a quote to its most important core words. Let's see what we get. ACTUAL FILTERED QUOTE TIME!

"Sexual perversion. Nuts. Attraction. Buggers! Internally. Going down! Gay movement. - Butt

Well, if nothing else, I have the filter calibrated just right.