Archive - Feb 4, 2009

Next Best Thing To God

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Memo to Goler, King, and Beck: You are Dumb.

Time to dip my plastic ladle once again into the bulk bin labeled PLU 6942: BULK STUPID QUOTES. I bet your supermarket only sells whole oats, gummi worms, and spelt in their bulk bins, but I shop in a supermarket called the Internet, where everything is free, and every day, IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"This president inherited a budget surplus, but he also inherited what he called 'the trifecta of bad times.' There’s the president headed out to Marine One right now. […] He inherited the 9/11 attacks. He inherited the recession and he inherited some tough times on Wall Street." - Fox News anchor Wendell Goler, planting one last wet sloppy one on Dubya's ass before the doofus left office.

Now, we know that "inherit" means something different to conservatives than it does to dictionary authors. From discussions of the estate tax, we know that to conservatives, "inherit" means "earn". And I'm almost willing to concede that definition, because it turns Goler's trifecta of bad lies into one of the clearest summations yet of the 43rd president. He earned the 9/11 attacks, he earned the recession (both of them, in fact) and he earned the tough times on Wall Street. Thanks for clearing that up, Wendell!

"Is that reserved just for him, not his critics? Whatever his reasons are, the one he gave us could not be the reason. The society is a little strange about this. If you’re speaking the truth and in an effort to be objective, there should be nothing off limits in a free society, [but] there are many biases building and clearly a double-standard." - Iowa congressman Steve King, known moronic nutjob, on why it's not fair that Obama got to use his middle name in the inauguration when Republicans couldn't use it during the campaign.

Another bit of pre-inaugural stupidity too choice to go unremarked. As with Wendell above, one of the hallmarks of stupid people is they don't know what words mean. The existence of two standards does not automatically mean that there is a double standard. For example, I have a standard for things I put in Idiots Say The Damndest Things, and I also have a standard for things I would actually say. Those standards are very different, but since they apply to completely different situations, it's not a double standard.

And that, Steve King, is why we have two different standards for the use of Hussein. The first standard is "how Presidents are addressed during the inaugural oath", and that standard calls for the middle name. The other standard is for psycho douchebags trying to win an election by "objectively" implying the "truth" that Obama is a secret un-American Muslim terrorist Ayrab, then a whole other standard says you're an asshole.

Also, doing something a whole lot and getting yelled at occasionally for it does not mean what you've done is "off limits in a free society". You're just bitter it didn't work well enough to push your decrepit fake maverick anywhere near the White House. Suck it up.

"It may not come off this way, but you've never met a host who wants to be wrong more than me. I pray, literally pray, each day, 'Dear Lord, show me where I'm wrong.'" - Glenn Beck, safe in his new makeshift shell in the glass tank at Fox News.

Let me get the obvious cheap shot out of the way right now. Glenn? It comes off that way. Someone would have to want to be wrong to a preternatural degree to be wrong more than you. That's the great thing about Glenn Beck. He doesn't just sit there wanting to be wrong. He goes out there, every single day, and IS wrong. And when nobody watches him be wrong on CNN, he convinces Fox to let him be wrong there. That is drive and commitment, and I salute your excellence in achieving your horrible, horrible goal.

And second of all, this is another case of a right-winger relying on God when Google will do just nicely. Here's a hint: "glenn beck" site: I will admit it's not comprehensive - unlike God, I'm not omnipotent. But also unlike God, I've actually answered your prayer more often than NEVER.