Archive - Feb 17, 2009

The Long-Awaited Answer

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Memo to WV4Marriage: THANK YOU.

As a full-on supporter of the right to gay marriage, one of the things I have never gotten a clear answer for from the right is the mechanism by which gay marriage harms traditional man-woman marriage. We're told it threatens hetero unions. We're told it will do irreparable harm to society's foundation. But the how is the big question mark between the "steal underpants" and "profit" of the gay marriage debate.

Well, no longer! Thanks to a shadowy organization known only as, this mechanism has been revealed, and I have to say it's ingenious. I've got to hand it to the homosexualist agendites on this one, I never would have suspected sniper scopes, giant push-pins, and eliminating motherhood were part of your diabolical plot, but now that I've seen it spelled out, I expect all of my straight, married friends to be divorced and fucking dogs in pagan rituals before the year is out.

These shocking truths were revealed in a five-and-a-half minute video on their website, which I watched so that you don't have to. Most of it is the usual Jesus-freak claptrap - you know, how the buying and selling of women as property is the only thing that kept civilization from collapsing for the past 2000 years, that schools who don't teach hate are indoctrinating poor children, yada yada.

Then, at one minute in, a happy family of four, sitting on a grassy knoll, blowing bubbles without a care in the world, is seen through the crosshairs of the worst sniper scope in the world. I say this because the family goes all blurry, as if some incompetent moron had taken a sniper scope and somehow physically attached a shitty Final Cut blur filter to the front of it. Because apparently that's how gay snipers work. They make their target all blurry, then align their surprisingly thick crosshairs five inches away from any of their targets.

But no, I should keep an open mind and give WV4marriage the benefit of the doubt. Clearly, they have information at their disposal that I do not. How could a gay sniper destroy an entire family of four by getting all of them within the borders of his scope, but with none of them actually in the crosshairs?

Oh, shit. Clearly, the homosexuals have not only developed wave motion technology, they have miniaturized it to the point at which you don't need an entire spaceworthy World War II battleship to fire it, but instead can conveniently lug it around and aim it at heterosexual families. This is serious, folks. With this kind of technology, homosexuals could bypass the court system entirely. They could become... Star Flamers.

Anyway, these pigfucking West Virginians must have taken an entry-level Wingnut Video class at some point. Where else would they have learned the vital rule to have something batshit insane happen every sixty seconds lest the audience lose interest? At minute one, we had the Wave Motion Sniper. And precisely at minute two, a rain of giant blue pushpins fell onto a map of America to symbolize ministries under attack. No, really. I'm not sure where the gays got the giant blue pushpins. It's possible that there's a really good Staples outside San Francisco.

At minute three, the narration is declaring that "the very concept of motherhood is abandoned to political correctness". The context for this is the usual overblown "someone changed some language somewhere to be less specific and more inclusive" bullshit, that somehow by replacing "mother" with "parent" in case the kid doesn't have a living or present mother, that schools are wiping motherhood off the map entirely.

Minute four provides the most technically ept moment of the entire video, in which the shot starts on a cutout Google Image of some public building in West Virginia, then pans back over a crowd made up entirely of two-dimensional white outlines showing the people fighting back against the imposition of gay marriage. No, really. A crowd full of two-dimensional white people. These people make D.W. Griffith look subtle.

And at minute five, we learn the three things those two-dimensional white people can do to stop gays from firing their rainbow-hued wave motion guns at traditional families. Task one? Pray for traditional marriage. This is, of course, the only point in the entire video in which I am in total agreement. If you don't want gays to have the right to marry, pray your asses off. Pray every chance you get. You've got to pray. You've got to pray. You've got to pray just to make it not gay.

Task two is to harass, or as they put it, "meet with", their state representatives or senators. And to be fair, I cannot wholeheartedly oppose this plan of action, because as members of West Virginia's state government, odds are these are crazy people who have sworn a solemn oath to represent a whole bunch of other crazy people. If they didn't want to spend a few hours each day, sitting in their offices, listening to some redneck fuck telling them NOT ADAM AND STEVE over and over again, they should have gone into a different line of work, in a different state.

The third task is "Host An Event", but since the narrator apparently decided to ignore this bullet point in his PowerPoint presentation, I will too.

Which leaves us with one big question - now that I know my gay friends are secretly plotting to fire portable wave motion guns at nuclear families, rain giant pushpins from the skies, and the only thing standing in their way are a bunch of flat, white West Virginians praying their flat, white asses off, can I still in good conscience support gay marriage? Yes. Yes I can. Because, well, I'm not the patriarch of a nuclear family, and according to WV4marriage's targeting information, none of the pushpins will be landing anywhere near me. The rest of you will just have to watch the skies.