Archive - Feb 16, 2009

What's That Dance Called Again?

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Memo to Big Hollywood: IT'S 2009.

I don't mean this sarcastically. Well, OK, I do mean it a bit sarcastically, but I also mean it literally. I'm not sure they know what year it is over at Big Hollywood. And I'm not even talking about the general conservative wish that we lived in a magical version of 1957 where everything was the same except we all had net access and iPods. No, I think the site might actually be unstuck in time, like Commander Sinclair by way of Billy Pilgrim.

For example, those Dirk Benedict articles I mocked before? Turns out they were both pieces that outer space's biggest douchebag wrote years ago, and Big Hollywood republished on account of them being a blog full of desperate starfuckers. Great for me, because I'd never gotten to mock them when they were fresh, but passing off four-year-old rants as new content? That's just weak.

And then there are the authors who seem to be stuck in mid-2006. For example, Burt Prelutsky, who opened his article called "Knowing When To Fold 'Em", dated January 16, 2009, with the following startling revelation. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Who would have ever guessed that my favorite game would be such a popular addition to reality TV? Suddenly, poker is bigger than Paris Hilton and Donald Trump put together. (Come to think of it, I suspect it’s only a matter of time until some smart cookie puts those two together in a TV extravaganza. It will be a ratings smash, not to mention the end of western civilization as we have come to know it.) Shows such as “Celebrity Poker,” “World Poker Tours” and “World Series of Poker,” are all over the tube. And, frankly, I don’t get it."

Of course you don't get it. And from the looks of things, you haven't gotten it for about two and a half years, which was the last time anyone gave that big a shit about TV poker, Paris Hilton, and Donald Trump all at the same time. I actually Googled key phrases from the article on the off chance he'd pulled a Benedict, but no luck. By all reckoning, Burt Prelutsky thinks we need to be warned that the incredibly popular Texas Hold 'Em Poker that we stopped watching on TV a long time ago is unworthy of our attention. Thanks, Burt! Pretty soon you'll be warning us that those levees in New Orleans are looking mighty shaky.

About a week later, Big Hollywood hosted wingnut blogger Ace of Spades, who penned a lengthy faux rant as if he were... Michael Moore. No, really. Michael Moore. You'd think that the box office returns and DVD sales of An American Carol would have taught even the criminally thick Ace Of Spades that Michael Moore-based comedy passed its sell-by date a few years ago. But no. By the way, did you know that Michael Moore is fat, that he likes to eat a lot because he's fat, that he eats a whole lot and is fat, that he's really fat, that he has the ravenous appetite of a really fat guy? Because Ace of Spades thought you needed to know.

Seriously. I started counting how many paragraphs in a row contained nothing but "Michael Moore Is Fat" jokes, so that I could tell you how many there were before he moved on to another subject, and then I hit the end of the article. He never moved on. It was all fat jokes. There was a sort of half-assed attempt at context involving some fake quandary he imagines liberals to be in during the era of Obama, but trust me, he never let it get in the way of "Michael Moore eats live horses" jokes.

I find it fascinating that a site that constantly points out liberals are still making fun of Bush even though he's not president anymore has no problem making fun of Michael Moore for being fat, even though Michael Moore lost a fair amount of weight a few years ago. While Dubya is STILL stupid. In Big Hollywood's defense, if they limited their content to things that made sense, were topical, and weren't completely fucking retarded, they'd have fewer entries than a bored teenager's old Livejournal.

And I'd actually have to work hard looking for source material. So don't ever change, Big Hollywood. Keep partying like it's 2006.