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You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Dec 4, 2009
Memo to the processes of a cold and unfeeling universe: I'VE GOT YOUR NUMBER.
Science. It can save your life. It can let you store hours of porn on a tiny chip you can carry around in your pocket. A tiny and very sticky chip. Some say it can even blind you, but progress has its price, and overall, science does more good than harm. Why, it can even serve as a vaguely thematic ribbon tying together another installment of SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!
For the good of the nation, Tiger Woods must have a three-way with the Salahis, a.k.a. the State Dinner Party Crashers. Ideally on the stage of a major awards show. If he does this, the news media will collapse in on itself, then go supernova. And the odds of its replacement turning out worse are only 26%. I like those odds. Plus, I've always wondered what Chris Matthews would look like accelerated to relativistic velocities. I've tried extrapolating from small-scale tests using a potato cannon, but it's not the same.
For weeks, I have been trying to find a use for the story that scientists have grown replacement rabbit penises from cultured tissue in the lab. I mean, it contains three key comedy elements right there in the premise - mad science, rabbits, and penises. But the best I've been able to come up with is a half-formed "carrot and stick" joke, and a vague reference to the mileage ratings on tires. I'm pretty sure this is due to the fact that I work in the verbal medium, and there is nothing anyone can do in the verbal medium that is funnier than the mental image of a disembodied rabbit scholng sitting in the middle of a petri dish. GO TEAM SCIENCE!
The New York Times broke a story a couple of weeks ago that a biotech company, Genentech, had its lobbyist actually draft statements on health care reform that over 40 lawmakers, pretty much split evenly between both parties, used in speeches during the health care debate. After this shocking and shameful news broke, Genentech rushed to assure the American people that its lobbying measures were merely a stopgap measure until they could perfect their vat-grown Congresscritter project. Apparently their beta prototype, codenamed the Bachmann, has a tendency for mental instability, and has recently started sprouting rabbit penises all over its body.
A brief moment of silence, please, to mark the temporary passing of the National Institute on Family and the Media, who each year put out an annual "watch list" of violent or morally objectionable video games so that idiot parents could figure out that "Mortal Kombat" has fighting and death in it. Apparently, there wasn't much money in that, because Fairview Health Services here in Minneapolis cut off their funding. I'm sure it'll crop up again, though, because its founder, David Walsh, issued the following statement: ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"The work is far from finished, and I look forward to transitioning the Institute's programs to worthy organizations that I am confident will continue to educate parents and caregivers on our constantly changing digital culture." - In other words, an open call for blue-nose wingnuts to send him money. And they always send money. So I'm sure Walsh's vital role in informing parents that... "'Griefers' are the online equivalent of playground bullies"* will continue far into the future.
*No, they're not.