Archive - Dec 31, 2009

The Dumbest Motherfuckers Of The Decade, Day Four

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Memo to the genitalia of all and sundry: YOU ARE DUMB.

This week, I'm enjoying a respite from current events and looking back on the Dumbest Motherfuckers Of The Decade. Each day will bring a new category, and each category will have five entrants. Many of the research on those entrants is contained in columns over the past five years, because if I'm gonna do a year-end wrap-up list, you think I'm going to do a lot of reading first?

Today, we get to talk about my favorite subspecies of dumbfuckery: dumb fuckery. Fads may come and fads may go, but there's only one thing humans have been doing since before we were even fully humans, and that's IT. Millions of years of humping, and we still screw the pooch on a regular basis. Usually figuratively, but occasionally literally.

#5: John Edwards

I am not overtly concerned with people who cheat on their wives. I am not even overtly concerned with people who father love children off their mistresses. I only become concerned with these people under two circumstances. One, they spend their lives telling other people what to do with their genitals, or two, they're running for president.

If you have a mistress and a love child hidden away, don't run for president. It's that simple. Because you'll get found out. The scrutiny that comes with running for office drags everything screaming into the light. John Edwards didn't just risk his entire political career by running with his compromised circumstances – he jeopardized all of us. Edwards wins the nomination, mistress is exposed in, oh, say, October, and boom, Vice President Palin. Edwards was a dipshit.

#4: Norm Coleman (Sr.)

Now, I freely admit that the 2006 incident in which Dr. Teeth's octogenarian father, who is also named Norm Coleman, got caught fucking a woman half his age in his parked car, may not actually rise to the level of the fourth stupidest fucking of the decade.

But I don't care. This is my column, and Norm Coleman's in my state, and on the off chance that heavily-enameled douchebag dares to run for governor next year, I want us all to remember that Norm Coleman was arrested in 2006 for lewd and disorderly conduct.

Plus, I can't include Viagra. Because even though Viagra was the cause of this and many other disgusting and embarrassing sexual escapades by people who shouldn't have been able to bump wrinkly uglies in the first place, it showed up at the end of the 90's, and is thus ineligible.

#3: Bill O'Reilly

Falafel!

Bill O'Reilly's sex scandal was awesome for all the same reasons it was horrifying. We learned so much about Bill O from it. We learned that he likes trying to seduce women who work for him. We learned that he doesn't know the difference between a loofah and a falafel. And we learned that he thinks women like having either one of them rubbed on their nipples.

We also learned that Bill O'Reilly was a boorish, sexist asshole, but we knew that already.

#2: Larry Craig

Larry Craig elevated the already popular art form of the disingenuous excuse to an art form. He wasn't reaching out with his foot under the stall door at the Minneapolis airport so that he could find out if the guy in the next stall would suck his dick. No, he just has a WIDE STANCE while he poops.

Nobody believed it, of course. But then Craig started a whole new trend. Getting caught in blatant sexual chicanery and not resigning. He said he'd resign, but then he changed his mind and served out his term. And he got away with it. And set a very dumb precedent. A precedent that leaves us with a sitting senator who paid a hooker for some combination of sex and diapers, and a sitting governor with a secret Argentinian mistress. Thanks, Larry!

#1: Kenneth Pinyan

Kenneth Pinyan convinced a horse to fuck him in the ass, and then died of injuries suffered after the horse fucked him in the ass.

If you need any more explanation from me as to why this is #1 than that, I'm afraid I cannot help you. Ass-fucked to death by a horse will always top this list.