Archive - Dec 30, 2009

The Dumbest Motherfuckers Of The Decade, Day Three

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Memo to the worst in the entertainment industry: YOU ARE DUMB.

This week, I'm wallowing in sloth and wrapping up the Dumbest Motherfuckers Of The Decade. Each day will bring a new category, and each category will have five entrants. And most of those entrants will have shown up in the past five years, because I am old and my memory is short.

Today, we finally get to actual dumb motherfuckers. I am a tease, I know. The world of entertainment has been overshadowed by politics this decade, but that doesn't mean there isn't some stupidity there. Especially at the intersection of entertainment and politics, which is always fun.

#5: Nick Castle, James V. Hart, and Kirsten Sheridan

It's a three way tie for last place, because I don't know which of these people is most responsible for the most irritating movie of the decade, August Rush. Someone thought it would be awesome to make a movie about a child music prodigy. Someone thought it would be awesome to have him use the power of music to find his parents. And someone thought they should hire Robin Fucking Williams as the quirky homeless adult prodigy who helps out the kid in a way that isn't creepy AT ALL.

It's a pile of mawkish, blatant awards bait that failed to bait any awards. I'm still pissed off at the time I lost to this movie. And all I've seen is the trailer.

#4: Whoever Wrote “We Built This Starbucks”

Back in 2005, the Internet, which was just coming into its own as the means by which a small, local embarrassment could go global, revealed to us the existence of “We Built This Starbucks”. It was, and I still shudder a little every time I type this, a corporate morale-boosting cover of the worst pop song in history, Jefferson Starship's “We Built This City”.

Nearly five years later, I am no closer to fathoming what the hell these people were thinking. I mean, Oppenheimer knew what he was building, and built it anyway, because he felt the world needed the atomic bomb. But “We Built This Starbucks”? How do you think that's a good idea, and then, staring into the abyss of what you hath wrought, release the song upon an unsuspecting world? It is utterly inconceivable.

#3: Dane Cook

A lot of people have made a lot of money telling a lot of shitty jokes in the past decade. From Larry The Cable Guy and the Blue Collar Comics, through our inexplicable national obsession with Carlos Mencia. I can't blink without another Katt Williams special showing up somewhere, which really isn't good for my eyes. And, of course, there's Jeff Dunham, who is currently ruining the stellar cultural reputation of ventriloquism.

Bot nobody stabs Sweet Mother Comedy in the eye with their sharpened needledick the way Dane Cook does every time he opens his mouth, puts pen to paper, types on a computer, or shows up in a movie. I can think of fewer indictments of the 2000's more harsh and brutal than “Dane Cook became famous for his stand-up comedy”.

#2: Carrie Prejean

For pure comedy stupidity, few things beat out the career arc of Carrie Prejean. From beauty queen to national beauty pageant contestant to screaming idiot homophobic beauty pageant contestant to screaming idiot homophobic beauty pageant runner-up to conservative Christian martyr-darling to irrelevant cultural footnote, until finally she was revealed to be the Octomom of masturbation sex tapes.

Which means that in the span of less than a year, Carrie Prejean's stupidity has led her into becoming THREE different punchlines. Three. One for calling it “opposite marriage”, one for being a self-righteous whiner, and one for being a hypocrite with a video camera. Now that's what I call entertainment.

#1: Victoria Jackson

God, where would we be if Big Hollywood hadn't given former SNL star, mental lightweight, and bonafide bugfuck bimbo Victoria Jackson a platform? I mean, Big Hollywood was entertaining on its own, as its rag-tag fleet of right-wing has-beens and starfucking wingnut pundits took on the leftist entertainment industry by calling Sean Penn and Michael Moore names. For an entire year.

But Victoria Jackson occupies her own special circle of hell. She's embraced every paranoid, teabagging, psychotic theory about Barack Obama in existence. All of them. Foreigner, secret Muslim, granny killer, Communist, Nazi, fascist, dictator – there is no negative thing said about Obama that Victoria Jackson hasn't embraced with a zeal, a fervor, and an almost childlike enthusiasm that occasionally tempts you to pity her.

But the funniest part about Victoria Jackson? She is the living conservative embodiment of the conservative stereotype about proselytizing liberal celebrities. She brings up her wingnut theories wherever she goes, shouting them at helpless store clerks or waving signs next to all the other inbred racist fucks at anti-Obama rallies, without the slightest hint of a grip on reality. She's a South Park celebrity caricature, except she's real and thinks the president is from Kenya. She wins by, if you'll pardon the expression, a country mile.