Archive - Oct 5, 2009

Thirty Seven Months To Go

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Memo to 2012: I'M READY, BABY!

Everyone knows that running for President is something you have to start early. It takes almost the entire four-year period between elections building the support and raising the money you need to run. But what most people don't realize is that the same is true of those of us who inexplicably pay attention to politics as closely as we do. I'm not going to be able to just jump right in and start making fun of everyone I need to mock once the primaries start in 2012. I have to start now.

So who's lining up to take on Obama in 2012? Two men near and dear to my heart, two men who have spent a long time in this column over the years, and two men whose candidacies I await like a rich family's child on Christmas Eve. Minnesota's alleged governor Tim Pawlenty, and former officeholder and general-purpose gadfly Rick Santorum. The only thing better than these two assholes running for President is if one of them ends up the other's running mate and we see Timmy P-Rick '12!

Let's start with Santorum, because Rick Santorum is ALWAYS FUNNY. Rick is contemplating a 2012 run, because spending six years on the wingnut lecture circuit after losing your Pennsylvania Senate seat for being completely fucking insane is an ideal trampoline from which to sproing yourself into the Oval Office. But don't let me interpret Santorum's reasoning for you when he can tell it to you yourself. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"On the other side, as a father, I’ve got to think about whether they are going to have a country to live in... Are they going to be able to practice their faith in a way that’s consistent with what the Church teaches... Six months ago I would not have spent ten seconds on your question, but it’s not six months ago. I see that, I hate to be calculating, but I see that 2012 is not just throwing somebody out to be eaten, but it’s a real opportunity for success." - Santorum, speaking to US Catholic leaders.

Oh, yes please. More of this. Rick Santorum as the reluctant savior, pulled into the race to stop Obama from destroying America and forcing his children to be atheists? I could enjoy three years of that. Sure, odds are Rick just wants to siphon off piles of campaign donations from teabaggers and megachurches, but I can dream, can't I? I can dream of a true believer Santorum building up a huge head of righteous steam, then flaming out when he's caught fucking a goat or something. Three years is a long time in politics. Anything can happen. Santorum could get careless in his goatfuckery.

Timmeh, on the other hand, has taken a more traditional approach to campaigning for President, in that he has not yet declared his intention to save Barack Obama from destroying America. No, he's content to start hiring advisors, starting a PAC to rake in money, and starting to warp his beliefs to increase his appeal amongst the millions of complete fucking nutjobs who, right now, would vote for Rick Santorum in a heartbeat.

Oh, and he's also telling jokes. This is a development that does not bode well for my sanity, so I need to keep a close eye on it. If Tim Pawlenty starts thinking he's witty, it could be the gravest threat to the institution of comedy since Dan Whitney thought a cable guy would be a great on-stage persona. First, he cracked wise in front of the RNC in July:

"Apparently, they're announcing that President Obama is making great progress on climate change. He's turning the political climate of the country back to Republicans." The best thing about the joke is that it accidentally maps the general Republican fallacy on climate change - that short-term weather like a cold summer is more important than years of actual data on global temperatures. Similarly, a particularly -crazy- summer for Obama doesn't signal a political climate shift toward Republicans in the long term.

Now, one shitty joke is just one shitty joke. It's an isolated data point. It would take TWO shitty jokes to make a punchable line. And oh, what a punchable line it is. Here's Timmeh on Fox News:

"There's a joke out now that says the main value of the Cash for Clunkers program may be that we'll get a lot of cars with Obama stickers off the road."

Get it? Because Obama's a "clunker", and all the people who voted for him are poor people and it's funny because their cars suck? That's awesome, Timmeh. That'll play nicely with your other rightward tacks, like on climate change, or that time you flirted with the 10th Amendment crowd who want to assert states' rights to reject health care reform. You know, before backing down a few days later when it garnered a bit more attention than you probably thought it would?

On the one hand, I'm a bit torn about the idea of Pawlenty running. I mean, he sucks, but he sucks in that certain generic Republican way that could easily lead to him being the nominee in three years. As awful as he is, he's not gonna get caught fucking a goat, is what I'm saying. On the other hand, the prospect of this clumsy, bland, not-ready-for-prime-time player going from governor of my state to Fox News commentator in 2013, bitching about Obama's second term? That would be priceless. Run, Timmeh! Run!