You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Oct 20, 2009
Memo to Barack Obama and Congress: STOP HIRING WITCHES.
At the risk of perpetrating religious bigotry against the fine, upstanding, wank-ass practitioners of Wicca, I must ask the Obama administration, not to mention Congressional offices, to drastically cut back on the number of witches they hire. I'm sure that witches are perfectly capable of living normal lives and holding down normal jobs between coven meetings and eyeliner shopping, but their near omnipresent... um, presence in the federal government is virtually shutting down government.
I mean, seriously. At a time when Republicans are already short on manpower, due to being voted into the minority, shedding millions of self-identified voters, and having their ranks filled with complete and utter morons, how can we expect them to efficiently hunt all these witches? It's not fair.
Sure, they were able to catch Van Jones uttering the incantation "asshole", which in the hands of a conservative is a mere expletive, but from the mouth of a witch is a powerful and mighty spell causing, I believe, 2d12 outrage damage with a 68.3 square mile area of effect.*
But now the witch hunts have multiplied, and are bogging down without Dick Cheney handy to shoot people in the face. The witch hunt against Kevin Jennings has been going on for at least a month now, with no burning stake in sight. Oh, it started well enough. I mean, when you've got a member of the administration accused of aiding and abetting an underage boy having sex with an older man because of your secret support for NAMBLA, that's pretty powerful stuff.
I mean, that's the kind of thing that could totally cause a dude to resign even when there was no sex, no bathroom, no NAMBLA love, and the kid was 16, the age of consent in New Jersey. But those are facts, and the whole point of a witch hunt is to throw facts down a deep dark hole while listening very intently to the raving accusations of Old Man Hannity from down the road, whose lambs got the dropsy and whose pecker mysteriously went limp ten years ago. All of which can clearly be explained by Kevin Jennings, an avowed homosexual and Obama's safe schools czar.
And just when they had enough... bundles of sticks, shall we say, ready to burn Jennings at the stake, Anita Dunn showed up wearing a black hat, carrying a broom, melting every time she got wet, and mentioning offhandedly as part of a setup to her actual point that Mao Zedong and Mother Theresa were "two of my favorite political philosophers". Damn her!
Dunn really should have thought about the impact of her casually tossed-out words. We live in a world of limited resources. There is a finite amount of blood that can rush to Glenn Beck's face, a finite number of tears that can spill from his puffy, bloated eyes. Claiming to admire a Communist dictator the way she did caused those resources, already run ragged due to other witchery perpetrated by Jennings, regulation czar Cass Susstein**, science and tech adviser John Holdren***, and State Dept. lawyer Harold Koh****, to spread dangerously thin, a phrase that has never before been applied to Glenn Beck.
And then, just as Republicans finally got a new shipment of orange blaze vests in on Capitol Hill, a bunch of congressional interns had the unmitigated gall to, and you won't believe this, be Muslim. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"Reps. Sue Myrick, John Shadegg, Paul Broun and Trent Franks, citing the book Muslim Mafia: Inside the Secret Underworld that’s Conspiring to Islamize America, called for the House sergeant at arms to investigate whether CAIR had been successful in placing interns on key panels." - A report from "The Hill".
Trent Franks we just talked about last week. Paul Broun's come up once or twice. I can't believe I've never made fun of John Shadegg before, but apparently I haven't, although I may mention his gulag thing tomorrow. Sue Myrick is new to me, though how I missed her connecting domestic terror threats to the number of Muslims who own convenience stores is beyond me.
But my point is, the incredibly low intelligence of these four individuals aside, that's FOUR members of Congress whose time spent being completely unable to do anything because they're Republicans in the House of Representatives is being taken up hunting down brown interns and reading books about the Secret Muslim Underworld Mafia. Or having them read to them. Or having their interns submit book reports read onto cassette tapes... WAIT A MINUTE! Their plan is suddenly becoming clear!
So Obama officials, stop being witches. Please. It's the only way we can get the townspeople to stop hunting you down, one by one, and back to doing the important work they would otherwise be, um, doing?
*Note to any actual Wicca practitioners reading this. The comparison of your deeply-held beliefs to a 2nd Edition AD&D magic user has been made purely for comedic effect. Please do not cast Lightning Bolt at me. I am worth considerably fewer XP than you might think.
**Witchery: not actually calling for forced organ donation.
***Witchery: not actually calling for forced abortion and sterilization.
****Witchery: not actually advocating for Sharia Law, also, having a foreign-sounding last name.