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You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Oct 15, 2009
Memo to future historians: BE CONCISE.
When the madness has passed, and historians turn their pens to the unenviable task of explaining this decade, they will be tempted to go into great detail about the social, political, and economic factors that led to what, in hindsight, was easily the most bugfuck decade in a century and a half. They will ponder the mysteries behind our collective hysteria, and wonder why we seemed so crazy and stupid.
There is, however, a very simple answer. We had a bunch of very crazy, very stupid people in charge.
Take, for example, the House of Representatives. Out of 300 million or so people, we select four hundred and thirty five of them to help run things for us. Are they our best? Our brightest? Not even fucking close. There are vast swaths of Congresscritters who would have a difficult time getting jobs as Wal-Mart greeters due to their propensities for eating the smocks and shouting inchoate profanities at anyone who enters. Yet they get to write laws? Michelle Bachmann gets to write laws? Really? Steve King? Louie Motherfucking Gohmert gets to write laws?
Now, admittedly, I have no idea how much lead and arsenic are in the drinking water of the benighted hellhole that decided to send Louie Gohmert to Congress. It's possible that his entire career can be explained by environmental toxins. But what Gohmert and his colleagues really need is a supervisor. It's all well and good to say their boss is the American People, but the American People suck as bosses. They only do performance reviews every two years, and even then all they do is make sure you've got the right letter next to your name, give you a raise, and tell you to get the hell out of their office so that they can finish updating Facebook.
Why am I picking on Gohmert? Well, in the course of performing his duties as a congressman, he showed up at work and delivered the following speech. It's a bit long for an ACTUAL QUOTE TIME, but the full majesty of it is necessary to help make my point:
"If you’re oriented toward animals, bestiality, then, you know, that’s not something that can be used, held against you or any bias be held against you for that. Which means you’d have to strike any laws against bestiality, if you’re oriented toward corpses, toward children, you know, there are all kinds of perversions, what most of us would call perversions, some would say it sounds like fun, but most of us would say were perversions, and there have been laws against them, and this bill says whatever you're oriented toward sexually, that cannot be a source of bias against someone. Well that's interesting... but the trouble is, we made amendments to eliminate pedophiles from being included in the definition... But people have always been willing to give up their liberties, their freedoms in order to gain economic stability. It happened in 1920 and 1930’s. Germany gave up their liberties to gain economic stability and they got a little guy with a mustache, who was the ultimate hate monger. And this is scary stuff we’re doing here when we take away what has traditionally been an important aspect of moral teaching in America.
And that's not even half of it. He also claims to have a problem with the accusation that "if you question our president because he happens to be black, that gee, you must be a racist". Word order will fuck you up every time, dipshit. If you question him because he happens to be black, then you ARE a racist. And if you weren't an idiot, and probably a racist, you'd have known enough to put that clause about him being black at the end of the sentence, where it would have made a tiny fraction of a bit of sense.
But I'm not here to argue with the substance of Gohmert's statement. I can't, because it has no substance. What I'm saying is something more fundamental. If I said something that incoherent where I worked, there's someone above me who would, at the very least, pull me aside, check to see if I was getting enough sleep, and possibly refer me to my employer's mental health services. If I said something that crazy in a serious work situation, like in a big meeting with me and my colleagues where we were discussing an important project, not only would I probably be reprimanded, but none of my colleagues would take me seriously again.
This doesn't happen to congresscritters, because their bosses are on a permanent vacation. And thus there is no check whatsoever on clearly incompetent, insane, and deeply stupid people being in charge of things. And that is why this decade has been so fucked up. I expect to see this principle in textbooks 20 years from now. Or I would, if the contents of those textbooks weren't in the hands of the same people that think Louie Gohmert is just swell.