Archive - Oct 2009

October 30th

Tricky Treatise

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It's Halloween! OK, it's not Halloween. Halloween is tomorrow. But fuck it. There's a lot of scary stuff in the world, and a lot of stupid stuff in the world, and sometimes they overlap in a convenient, vaguely thematic way. And thus, we have SPOOKY TOPIC ZOMBIE FRIDAY! BOO!

Now, we all know that your crazy, fundamentalist, Jack-Chick-Writes-Documentaries Christians have a deeply irrational fear of Halloween. We know this intellectually, but that doesn't stop us from being surprised by how deep the rabbit hole in their rabbit brain goes. Check out this awesomely psychotic warning from the Christian Broadcasting Network website, penned by one Kimberly Daniels.

I was gonna do a short bit on this, based on a quote I found, but then I followed the link to the original article, and it was missing. So then I searched CBN's site, found that Google had indexed it, but it was still missing. So I checked to see if Google cached it. And they had. So let's delve into something so crazy even Pat Robertson doesn't want people knowing is on his website, shall we? First, premise!

"The word 'holiday' means 'holy day.' But there is nothing holy about Halloween. The root word of Halloween is 'hallow,' which means 'holy, consecrated and set apart for service.' If this holiday is hallowed, whose service is it set apart for? The answer to that question is very easy—Lucifer's!"

This isn't terribly surprising, although it is a bit depressing. Has it been so long since Dana Carvey's Church Lady sketches that people can, completely unironically, write the semantic equivalent of "could it be... SATAN?!" and not even notice they've done so? Shame on you, crazy blue-nose Jesus-freak, for making me feel old. And for being an idiot, but mostly for the old part. So, on what theological basis does Daniels base this assertion?

"Lucifer is a part of the demonic godhead. Remember, everything God has, the devil has a counterfeit. Halloween is a counterfeit holy day that is dedicated to celebrating the demonic trinity of : the Luciferian Spirit (the false father); the Antichrist Spirit (the false holy spirit); and the Spirit of Belial (the false son)."

OK, I will admit that all religion seems like bullshit to me, but this REALLY seems like bullshit to me. Lucifer has one fake version of everything God has? So God has Christmas, so Lucifer has Halloween. But God has Easter, too. What's the Luciferian Easter? Arbor Day? Also, does this mean Satan has a fake beard? Also, if Belial is Fake Jesus, shouldn't he be more famous? But enough of this theological speculation. Let's get into the deep crazy.

"During Halloween, time-released curses are always loosed. A time-released curse is a period that has been set aside to release demonic activity and to ensnare souls in great measure... During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches."

Time-release curses! That Lucifer sure is tricky. What's next, Beelzebub? Curse gelcaps? Five-hour-curse-energy shots? The Curse Patch? I'll pass on the curse suppositories, if you don't mind... wait, did she just say that most candy has been prayed over by witches?

She did. She did say that. It's right there in the quote. "most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches". Holy shit. Or unholy shit. I'm not sure. Um, have you ever seen the candy section of a Target right before Halloween? That's a lot of fucking candy. OK, now multiply that by all the Targets, and all the Wal-Marts, and all the grocery stores, and all the other places in this country that sell candy. Now figure out the logistics involved in getting witches to pray over 51% of all that candy. Is it happening on the assembly line? On loading docks? Or just in the fevered dreams of a crazy woman?

That's so fucking crazy that it makes the next bit seem like a refreshing dose of sanity. And the next bit is where demons reap a harvest of nice churchgoing souls because the Christians, not realizing the sacrificial significance of pumpkins, potpourri and bonfires, partake in Halloween festivities on church grounds. And when that sounds like a refreshing dose of sanity, maybe it really is a good idea not to have the article on your website anymore, even if you are a plastic televangelist who sells God Power Shakes that let you leg-press a literal ton.

Apparently there's also a Corn King. An evil Corn King that pagans worship. I assume this ties in somehow to all the corn syrup in the candy, but at this point, even I have to skim the surface of the article, lest I be lost in its depths. Although I do have to provide you all with the official list of Shit That Happens Behind The Scenes Of Trick Or Treating, because it is inadvertently awesome. ACTUAL LIST TIME!

  • Sex with demons
  • Orgies between animals and humans
  • Animal and human sacrifices
  • Sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood
  • Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies
  • Revel nights
  • Conjuring of demons and casting of spells
  • Release of "time-released" curses against the innocent and the ignorant

For once, I am actually grateful for the existence of religion. Thanks to the influence of bugfuck Christianity, this woman, with all the fetishes listed above, spends her time thinking about them in private and complaining about them every October. You know what happens WITHOUT religion providing a place to deeply repress this shit? Kimberly Daniels would be selling art of all this stuff at conventions, and I'd end up stuck in line behind her at the Taco Bell next to the hotel, staring at her animal-human-demon orgy tattoo.

So listen up, Pat Robertson, because this is the only time I will ever say this completely sincerely: THANK YOU.