Archive - Sep 2008

September 29th

Roots Vegetable

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Memo to Chris Matthews: YOU ARE DISOWNED.

Not that you were ever really owned in the first place, but goddammit, for some reason, the general consensus has shifted. And Chris Matthews, of all people, is being considered a liberal more often than not these days. Well, fuck that noise. We don't want him. You can have Mr. Potato Head in your club if you want, but we won't have him as a member of ours.

And for the record, I'd just like to say that I don't call Chris Matthews "Mr. Potato Head" because his head is shaped like an oversized, lumpen potato (although it is). No, I call him Mr. Potato Head because he's Irish. It's not that I have anything against the Irish, it's just that I want to relate to Matthews on a level he can understand - raw, unmitigated ethnic stereotyping.

Mr. Potato Head is not a liberal. Yes, he's apparently supporting Barack Obama. That doesn't make him a liberal. Fuck, Obama himself isn't much of a liberal. I cannot tell you why Señor Cabeza de Patata supports Obama, although I have several theories. The first is that Matthews is stupid. Not that it's stupid to support Obama, but that Matthews support for Obama is predicated on stupid reasons - gut feelings, liking the cut of his jib, or whatever.

My second theory is a crass mercenary nature. Matthews may just be a ruddy, boneheaded weather vane. When everyone decided it was time to hate Bill Clinton for being a horndog, Chris Matthews hated Bill Clinton for being a horndog. When it was time to hump Dubya's leg for being a manly terrorist-fighter in his crotch-enhancing flight suit, Matthews was there working his hips like a jackhammer. And now that Bush's approval rating is in the toilet and throngs of crowds are cheering Obama, Matthews has swung around to line up, even though he apparently hates black people.

During the primaries, in a series of incidents that made Sigmund Freud rise from his grave and weep formaldehyde tears of joy, Matthews would repeatedly contrast Obama's appeal with African-Americans with his lack of support from "regular Americans". Or "hard-working Americans". This planted Matthews firmly into Douche-y Racist Uncle territory. Racist enough to cringe at, but apparently not racist enough to make a fuss over.

So last Friday, Matthews watched the first McCain/Obama debate. I didn't watch it myself, because I know where both candidates stand, and if anyone says something incredibly stupid, like discussing their treasured Dead Soldier Not In Vain Official Mass-Market Bracelets, I'll find out about it after the fact. But Mr. Potato Head gets paid large sums of money to watch things like this and give us his impressions. And here's one of the big things Matthews took away from the debate. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Pat, I think you had a very interesting point tonight, and that is that we don't know who won this debate 'til we know how, to put it bluntly, the white working class guy, the regular working stiff out there, responds... Gene, did it surprise you that he was so un-ethnic tonight? That he never once talked about the condition of African-Americans in this country, never once talked about poor people, never once mentioned poor people..." Chris Matthews, discussing the debate with Pat Buchanan and Gene Robinson.

A couple of things. First, Matthews breaks out the "white = regular" conflation again, which is just white, white icing on the white sheet cake. Second, if there is a hell, and I end up going there, at least five percent of my eternal damnation will consist of Chris Matthews and Pat Buchanan discussing how "ethnic" various minorities are acting. And third, fuck you, Chris Matthews. It's like when that other great Irish pundit, Bill O'Reilly (who is more of a corned beef brisket head than a potato head, slablike and unnaturally pink) who was shocked that black folks in a restaurant were using utensils and not shouting profanities.

I mean, what the fuck was Matthews expecting Obama to do? He's been watching Obama speak and run for office for years, and the guy's pretty much had the same demeanor the whole time. It's like Matthews is waiting for the facade to crack and Obama to bust out at least four of Matthews' top ten ethnic stereotypes. But because he's on MSNBC, and because he's sitting next to Pat Buchanan, and because he's lumped in with Keith Olbermann*, he's been officially labeled as part of the Liberal Media.

Well, he's not on our team. If he wants to rip Republicans a new one for a change, that's fine, but that doesn't make him a liberal. It makes him a moron who, through sheer coincidence, happens to be using his Moron Powers for good. It happens rarely, and it never lasts long. In Matthews case, I'm guessing the potato will sprout its evil again around the second week of November.

*Who isn't particularly liberal either, for the record - he's just sanely anti-Bush and pro-Constitution.