Archive - Aug 25, 2008

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Memo to Joe Biden: YOU ARE... OKAY.

This column was, of course, inevitable. Whenever Obama picked his VP, I knew I was going to be following up the announcement with the kind of quick, savvy political analysis that You Are Dumb Dot Net is famous for. And it turns out it's Joe Biden. Yay? Certainly, this won't be the seething, rage-filled, profanity-laced diatribe you'd have seen if Obama had picked Evan Fucking Bayh. Jesus, that would have been a mess.

As any casual searcher of the archives knows, I am not, and have never been, a member of the Joe Biden Fan Club. Which, before yesterday, was three old dudes in a booth at a Perkins in Dover. My biggest problem has been his quickness to take up arms and be on the outside of the Democrats' traditional circular firing squad. Whenever a Democrat has dared to step outside the narrow ideological trench between 1960's Republican and Bill Clinton, Joe Biden has been there to push them back into line.

Biden is also a complete and utter whore for the credit card industry. You see, they're all based in Delaware, because of Delaware's legal philosophy that credit card companies can do whatever the hell they want and not pay any taxes. As a senator from Delaware, Biden is either willingly at their beck and call, or inexorably forced to be at their beck and call. The awful bankruptcy bill from a couple of years ago? Biden loved it, because the credit card companies wrote it.

I don't give two shits about the plagiarism. Even at the time, I couldn't give two shits about his patronizing "clean, articulate" comments about Obama. And if Obama could get over them, any outrage I could manufacture about it now would be completely inappropriate. And it turns out that during the primary, he was pulling a Hillary, talking down Obama and complimenting McCain. Because it was the Biden campaign, nobody noticed, but now the quotes are surfacing. Sigh. But despite all that, I'm still up on Joe Biden right now. And you know why? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"This is bullshit. This is malarkey. This is outrageous. Outrageous for the president of the United States to go to a foreign country, sit in the Knesset ... and make this kind of ridiculous statement." - Joe Biden, May 2008, responding to Dubya's clumsy attempt to tag Obama as a Hitler-loving appeasement-phile.

Joe Biden, using the word "bullshit" to describe something that was, in fact, bullshit. Joe Biden, utilizing the single most woefully underutilized word in political discourse today. Joe Biden, dropping the BS-bomb right where it belongs, on Bush's pointy, empty head. If Obama picked Joe Biden because Joe Biden is willing and able to call BULLSHIT when he sees it, then I can't support this choice more, because there's already been a steady stream of the stuff flowing out of the back of the Straight Talk Express, and I was worried Obama was serious when he said he'd trust in the American people to see through it and make the right decision.

And in case I needed any more confirmation that I was supposed to be happy with this choice, let's turn to an expert in the political field and see what he thinks.

"It seems that his rhetoric has been around change, there needs to be change in Washington and he has used for his political advantage this concept of the need for Washington outsiders. Then when he has one of his first big decisions, he chooses the consummate Washington insider, which I think is noteworthy.[General Petraeus is} an outstanding leader and somebody who would better represent the mainstream of the country." -Tim Pawlenty

Thanks, Timmeh! Who better to give Obama advice on a VP pick than someone on McCain's short bus for veep? That's awesome. I'm sure all you want to do is help Obama be the best candidate he can be. Why are we listening to you again? And why are you recommending Dave Petraeus, Bush administration shill, for Obama's VP? Petraeus just got caught giving a blurb to a Christian chaplain's book, saying it "should be in every rucksack for those times when soldiers need spiritual energy". Apparently, Dave Petraeus believes there are no atheist rucksacks in foxholes.

Well, if Tim Pawlenty really thinks Joe Biden is a bad choice, and isn't just saying it to help keep John McCain semi-erect in the polls, then there go the last of my reservations about Biden. Plus it actually presents the first ever up-side to McCain picking Timmeh as his VP - the Biden-Pawlenty debate, which I will Tivo just so I can watch the beating over and over again in slow motion.