Archive - Jul 10, 2008

The Fluffy Factor

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Memo to the AP and American voters: YOU ARE DUMB.

In case you're wondering how stupid the 2008 election is going to be, here's my advice. Take all your chips, and puch them onto the square marked "Unimaginable". Because it's not even July yet, and thanks to the Associated Press, we've heard from yet another group of crucial, independent swing voters. I am, of course, referring to Spot, Mittens, and Miss Princess Anastasia of Purrussia.

In a poll that really makes you wonder what the fuck is going on at the AP offices, they asked pet owners for their presidential preference. You see, John McCain has two dogs, one cat, one parakeet, one ferret, two turtles, and a bunch of fish. Obama, on the other hand, is petless, but has told his kids they can get a dog after the election. Therefore, it is vitally important to know what pet owners think about an animal gap the likes of which hasn't been seen since Kennedy-Nixon, when voters preferred Kennedy's helper monkey and friendly unicorn to the dead baby alligator Nixon kept tied to his right ankle at all times.

I have one question for the AP. That's not actually true, but I have one really important question. Why the fuck didn't you poll me for this? Both I, and your readers, would have enjoyed your story much more if it had read something like this. ACTUAL HYPOTHETICAL QUOTE TIME!

"An AP-Yahoo News poll found that pet owners favor McCain over Obama 42 percent to 37 percent, with dog owners particularly in McCain's corner. One percent of respondents became verbally and emotionally abusive to the poll-takers, questioning the intelligence, ethics, parentage, genetic makeup, and proximity to John McCain's lower intestine of anyone who would even think of asking such a stupid fucking question at a time where there are literally hundreds of more important and pressing issues facing the country and the world."

Not only did they ask this stupid fucking question, but the goddamned pet owners broke for MCCAIN. I don't know if they received the pet tally before they answered, or if it's just a coincidence, but certainly they talked to some morons and got moron quotes to put in their moron article that they moron syndicated to dozens of moron papers across this moron land.

"I think a person who owns a pet is a more compassionate person — caring, giving, trustworthy. I like pet owners." - Janet Taylor, of Plymouth, Mass. Janet, the Associated Press wants me to believe you're a John McCain supporter because he has pets. If that's wrong, I apologize in advance for what I'm about to say. If so, though, you need to stop listening to Mister Whiskers and LOOK THE FUCK OUTSIDE. And try to remember that most serial killers start out as pet owners, too.

And fuck the AP for its amateur political analysis. I can tell you right now why John McCain has twelve fucking pets, despite spending all his time on the road and campaigning and being an awful senator and trying to come up with something so ridiculous that the press won't call him on it*. You want to know why? Because his wife's a bajillionaire and they have SIX FUCKING HOUSES, that's why. When you have six fucking houses, you need a lot more pets to make sure there are pets in each one.

It's funny how that part never gets mentioned in fellatious press pieces like this. John McCain loves animals so much he has twelve of them! He's such a regular guy! He must REALLY love houses, then. I bet that makes him even more like the rest of us. Hey, with the foreclosure crisis, maybe Cindy can pick up a few more houses for them on the cheap. Then they can get a few more cats, a komodo dragon, and an ocelot. And we can identify with them even more.

If you plan to vote this November, I beg you. Do not vote based on who owns more animals. Do not vote based on who owns FEWER animals. Leave the animals entirely out of the equation and just vote based upon the important issues, like who Jesse Jackson hates more or who has better hair or something. We won't be any better off, but it'll make me feel better.

*And no, in case you were wondering, "I'll balance the budget by winning in Iraq and Afghanistan so we can stop borrowing money that isn't even included in the regular budget to pay for it" wasn't it. Sorry.