Archive - Jul 2008


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Memo to Republicans and Their Penises: YOU ARE DUMB.

Clearly, the issue of sexual impropriety by the nation's self-appointed guardians of sexual propriety defies simple analysis. The parade of horny, diapered, and/or gay GOP members caught with their members in something illegal, perverted, and/or hypocritical keeps marching past, even though the crowds have gone home and the Grand Marshal is dead of old age.

I'm running out of explanations. Maybe it's their penises. I mean, you never hear about Republican women in sex scandals. I don't know why this is. I mean, they're all married to Republican men, and that can't be fun. Maybe there's just something about Republican penises that makes their wielders more likely to be stupid fucking hypocrites in every sense of all three of those words?

Take, for example, Troy King's penis. Now, I did my due diligence to track back the sources of all this, and as a result, I cannot say definitively that Troy King's penis was caught by Troy King's wife in someone other than Mrs. Troy King. I also cannot say definitively that the individual in whom the penis was caught was a young male staffer in the very Alabama office where, as the state's Attorney General, Troy King spent a lot of time railing against the evils of gay people.

What I can say definitively is that the people who believe King is a closeted, self-loathing gay dude who got thrown out of his house for Alabanging his employee in the bedroom he shares with his wife? Those people are anticipating resignation and divorce any day now. Also, John McCain's website stopped admitting that King exists. Also also, local Alabama journalists are starting to pay close attention to how much King pays his young, male "'staff' 'members'". Also, I think that last sentence may have "blown" my quota for innuendo-laced air-quotes for the rest of the year.

Certainly, they say that when there's smoke, there's fire. And where there's fire, there's two guys rubbing their sticks together. If it is true, why not blame King's penis? The brilliant idea for the Alabama AG to take his young liaison, as it were, BACK TO HIS PLACE could only have come from a very small head.

Closer to home, there's the penis of Peter Hong. With a name like "Peter Hong", the word "penis" borders on redundant. The good news is that this one involves the police. So we don't have to beat around the bush; we can say with certainty that Peter Hong was beating around the bush. The Minnesota GOP operative and former Huckabee point man was arrested as part of a St. Paul prostitution sting, you see.

The bad news is, since Peter isn't prominent on the national stage, and since Peter refused to issue anything on the bust, there are few juicy comedy details to make salacious, puerile puns about. Which means he doesn't get a whole column to himself, which means I don't get to name that column "Well, Hong".

I do have one important question, however. Who the hell solicits a hooker at a quarter to four on a Wednesday afternoon? That's not even a nooner in Hawaii. Did he leave work early? Did he tell everyone he was going to play golf, snickering in his head about scoring a hole in one with his putz? These are the kinds of questions modern journalism inevitably fails to answer, and so, like a man in a jail cell who expected to spend his afternoon in a cheap hotel room, we remain unfulfilled.