Archive - Jun 18, 2008

Nocturnal Admissions

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Memo to Glenn Murphy, Jr: I GET IT NOW.

I often talk about how Republicans are wrong, when measured objectively against consensual reality. But I now realize that's an oversimplification, and that from the correct viewpoint, Republicans are right about EVERYTHING. As long as that viewpoint looks from the perspective of Republicans at other Republicans. Hear me out.

Tax cuts improve the economy? Well, if you're a Republican, tax cuts improve YOUR economy. Government doesn't work and should be kept as small as possible? Again, when Republicans are in charge of the government, it's hard to argue with that philosophy. Homosexuals are deviant predators who will take any opportunity to indulge their sick lifestyle, and no straight man in their vicinity is safe? Again, apparently true of gay REPUBLICANS. With wide stances.

This brings us to Glenn Murphy Jr. On the one hand, I cannot believe I didn't hear about Murphy's transgression when it happened, last August. On the other hand, hearing about it now, after he's pled guilty, means I can take that irritating but legally useful word, "alleged", set it on fire, and push it out a window. Thanks, due process!

So what, exactly, did Glenn Murphy Jr. do to get arrested for, and plead guilty to, criminal deviate conduct*? Why is he facing two years in jail? You'll love this. He went to a party. He crashed overnight. And the next morning, he climbed out of the bunkbed, and started blowing the guy in the bottom bunk, who was asleep.

Murphy, whose name, ironically, is an onomatopoeic adjective for what you sound like with a dick in your mouth, was the chairman of the Clark County Republican party, and the chairman of the Young Republican National Federation, or "YRNF", which could also be an oral-pleasure sound effect, now that I think about it. Once again, a repressed closet case has to get what he wants in secret, in the morning, under the delusional impression that when the guy wakes up, he'll thank you.

The guy didn't thank him. He did, however, secretly tape Murphy apologizing and begging him not to tell the authorities. Which is the bad judgment icing on the bad judgment cake you bought from the bad judgment bakery in West Bad Judgmentia. And even then, he tried to pass off quitting his Republican jobs as the result of an exciting new business opportunity that "would prohibit him from holding a partisan political position". No, you wouldn't have met this business opportunity. It's in Canada. But I swear, it's totally hot. And not gay at all.

Once again, I offer this advice to closeted gay Republicans: COME OUT ALREADY. Get it over with. Meet a nice guy. Maybe move to California and get married. Settle down. Satisfy your man-craving in the privacy of your own home, and maybe you won't think you can get away with blowing your sleeping acquaintances. And if, after all that, you're still filled with self-loathing and the desire for capital gains tax cuts, there's always the Log Cabin Republicans.

*Don't fucking look at me, that's what the Indiana penal code calls the offense. I don't know why it's not "deviant conduct" either.