Archive - May 2008

May 30th

The Path Of Least Intelligence

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Memo to America: WE WIN!

The war on terror is over! Radical Islamic fundamentalist jihadis have failed in their ongoing efforts to establish a caliphate in Kansas and impose sharia law in Berkeley! Lower the alert status to green! Someone run out and find a sailor, preferably white, and a young woman, preferably white and not on the Pill, and rush them to Times Square so they can kiss, pronto! Sunday, May 25, or thereabouts, shall henceforth be known as V-RIFJ day. Or something.

And all because one brave company, a company that in many ways represents America more than any other, has stopped encouraging the terrorists by showing an ad on the Internet that shows a celebrity cook slash talk show host wearing a scarf that, if you squint, sort of kind of looks like the scarves Palestinians wear. And Palestinians are terrorists, so she was a terrorist, and she was defeated, so we've defeated terrorism! Freedom in on the march!

Of course, if terrorism has been defeated, there's nobody left who can strap on a bomb and meet me at an outdoor cafe, so that he can light the fuse and put me out of my FUCKING MISERY so that I won't have to hear anything quite this stupid ever again. The sweet release of flaming death being denied me, the least I can do is put a name to my pain. Or three names. Well, technically, one name, one blog title, and a corporate trademark. Michelle Malkin, Little Green Footballs, and Dunkin' Donuts.

Here, as best as I can reconstruct it, is what happened. Dunkin' Donuts hired Rachael Ray to promote their entire line of lard- and caffeine-laced products. In an Internet ad, Ray used her gaping maw of doom to extol the virtues of Dunkin' Donuts' iced coffee, which I'm sure makes an effective calmative after her daily crystal meth bender. In the ad, she is wearing a scarf. The scarf has fringe. The scarf has black bits. The scarf has white bits. The scarf is draped around her neck. This caused Charles Johnson, at the Internet's premiere brownhate site, Little Green Footballs, to remark thusly:

"I didn’t believe this story when people first started emailing about it; but sure enough, it’s true. Dunkin' Donuts, the venerable old fried dough seller, is the latest American firm to casually promote the symbol of Palestinian terrorism and the intifada, the kaffiyeh, via Rachael Ray... this isn’t happening in a vacuum, and Ray is not the first celebrity to show up wearing one of these."

Michelle Malkin read Little Green Footballs that morning, and as soon as her erection subsided*, she posted about it, including, as is Malkin's way, her signature personal touch. You see, Malkin had, some time back, switched from liberal Starbucks to anti-immigrant Dunkin' Donuts. So the idea that Dunkin' Donuts was supporting jihad was very troubling to her:

"I’m hoping her hate couture choice was spurred more by ignorance than ideology. Is Ray’s blunder worth boycotting DD over? I’ll be interested to hear the company’s take. At this point, I’m going to give the management the benefit of the doubt... I highly doubt the executive offices are filled with moonbats who endorse Ray’s keffiyeh chic.

Now, let's try to remember that this entire issue is predicated on the establishment of two facts. One, that Rachael Ray was wearing a kaffiyeh, and not, for example, a scarf with paisleys on it she bought at a shop inside the United States, because while you can do Palestine on $40 a day, it's not terribly photogenic. And two, that wearing a kaffiyeh is an act that undermines both the Great War on Terror and the state of Israel, and should be confronted and stopped wherever it occurs.

The first is fairly easy to establish, and was - by Dunkin' Donuts, from whose spokespeople I got the above correct scarf description. And the second is, at best, the crazed ranting of agenda-blinded morons. So she wasn't wearing a kaffiyeh, and if she had been, the only people to care would be the clinically insane and/or fans of Japanese internment camps. Faced with these facts, put yourself in Dunkin' Donuts shoes. WHAT DO YOU DO?

You pull the motherfucking ad, that's what. Why? Because it's just an Internet ad. And Dunkin' Donuts doesn't give a shit if Michelle Malkin and Chuckles Johnson get victory boners out of the deal. Because Dunkin' Donuts, like any great American corporation, knows that the well-being of society has jack shit to do with their bottom line.

*Four hours and seven minutes later - she really should have consulted a doctor. Preferably Kevorkian.