Archive - Mar 17, 2008

Another Handy Resource

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Memo to the American People: I FEEL YOUR PAIN.

It's not easy, keeping track of which candidates have which religious and spiritual advisers, what they said, and how controversial it is. Since we at You Are Dumb Dot Net are all about helping, here's my handy guide to the 2008 election's big issue - what pastors are saying! Well, what one pastor is saying.

JEREMIAH WRIGHT JOHN HAGEE ROD PARSLEY
Candidate Barack Obama John McCain John McCain
Relationship Friend, pastor for 20 years Southern pastor, endorser, key to convincing Jesus-freaks McCain is godly. Spiritual Adviser
Name Sounds Scary Old Testament Unpleasant Adjective Porn Set In An Organic Co-Op
Controversial Statements (On 9/11): "We bombed Hiroshima, we bombed Nagasaki, and we nuked far more than the thousands in New York and the Pentagon, and we never batted an eye. We have supported state terrorism against the Palestinians and black South Africans, and now we are indignant because the stuff we have done overseas is now brought back to our own front yards."

"The government gives (black men) drugs, builds bigger prisons, passes a three-strike law and then wants us to sing ‘God Bless America.’ No, no, no. God damn America. That’s in the Bible for killing innocent people. God damn America for treating our citizens as less than human. God damn America for as long as she acts like she is God and she is supreme."

"Racism is how this country was founded and how this country is still run. We are deeply involved in the importing of drugs, the exporting of guns and the training of professional killers. We believe in white supremacy and black inferiority and believe it more than we believe in God. We conducted radiation experiments on our own people. We care nothing about human life if the ends justify the means!"
"The United States must join Israel in a pre-emptive military strike against Iran to fulfill God’s plan for both Israel and the West… a biblically prophesied end-time confrontation with Iran, which will lead to the Rapture, Tribulation, and Second Coming of Christ."

"All hurricanes are acts of God, because God controls the heavens. I believe that New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God, and they are — were recipients of the judgment of God for that. The newspaper carried the story in our local area that was not carried nationally that there was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came. And the promise of that parade was that it was going to reach a level of sexuality never demonstrated before in any of the other Gay Pride parades. So I believe that the judgment of God is a very real thing"

"Most readers will be shocked by the clear record of history linking Adolph Hitler and the Roman Catholic Church in a conspiracy to exterminate the Jews."
"I cannot tell you how important it is that we understand the true nature of Islam, that we see it for what it really is. In fact, I will tell you this: I do not believe our country can truly fulfill its divine purpose until we understand our historical conflict with Islam. I know that this statement sounds extreme, but I do not shrink from its implications. The fact is that America was founded, in part, with the intention of seeing this false religion destroyed, and I believe September 11, 2001, was a generational call to arms that we can no longer ignore."

"(On Planned Parenthood) You know, if I were to call for the sterilization or elimination of an entire segment of society, I'd be labeled a racist, or a murderer, or at very best, a Nazi. Yet every single year, millions of our tax dollars are funding a national organization built upon that very goal. Their target? African-Americans... the shocking truth of black genocide is next."

"A spiritual invasion is taking place! Man your battle stations! Ready your weapons! Lock and load!"

On the 1-10 Batshit Scale 4 9 15
Candidate's Reaction Apologized, distanced, renounced, rejected, denounced. Wright has now left an honorary position on the African-American religion committee of Obama's campaign. Distanced, did not reject, still accepts endorsement. Did the "if anyone was offended" apology. Who's Rod Parsley? I don't watch porn.
Media Reaction A week of digging up inflammatory clips, playing them non-stop, and closely parsing the candidate's denials, looking for inconsistencies. A few days of mild crankiness when Catholic nutjob Bill Donahoe got upset over the anti-Catholic stuff. Who's Rod Parsley? I don't watch porn.
What Voters Should Worry About If Obama is elected, white people will be herded into concentration camps and force-fed all the crack from the CIA vaults. Also, we'll all be Muslims. Nothing. Clearly, John McCain is only courting Hagee as a matter of political expediency. In his straight-talking heart, he'd NEVER want to bomb Iran. Bomb, bomb Iran. Man, that's a catchy tune. Drastic increase in the price of Rod Parsley porn when he's named Secretary of Health and Human Services in the McCain administration.

And, of course, if you even consider suggesting that the inclusion of this much religion into the public sphere is a bad idea, you're treated like a completely insane radical. Just to keep things in the proper context.