Archive - Mar 11, 2008

Spitzer Swallows Hard

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Memo to Eliot Spitzer: YOU ARE DUMB.

Goddammit all to hell. Where's my gift receipt? I asked for a juicy political sex scandal for my birthday, and got it in blue instead of red. I might as well get my licks in, so to speak, on this story now, because it'll be months before it goes away.

What we know now is that Eliot Spitzer, Democrat, governor of New York, elevated on his career as a tough-on-crime, reform-minded, ethics-obsessed Attorney General, was paying for sex.

When the hookers he was paying for sex got busted, he got outed as a client, and when he got outed as a client, he ruined everybody's fucking month. Thanks, asshole. As of now, he's not resigning, but if you think the people who gave David Vitter the benefit of the doubt will be laying off of Spitzer to avoid seeming hypocritical, then I've got a pair of barely-used adult diapers I can sell you, cheap.

It doesn't matter that spending between one and six thousand dollars on a prostitute is a victimless crime. And I certainly don't demand that my elected officials be taint-free. That's an unreasonable standard, not to mention misandrist.

What I DO demand of my side of the aisle is that they restrict themselves to complicated, boring improprieties that don't make for great sound bites. For example. If you must pay for sex, and cannot avoid getting busted, for fuck's sake, pick an escort service with a more discreet name than Emperor's Club.

Emperor's Club! It's catchy, it reeks of the abuse of power, and as I guarantee we're all going to find out, fits nicely in the chyron under the cable news anchor. Why couldn't he have looked in the Yellow Pages for a more ungainly name, like "AAA Personal Companionship And Massage"? Something with more syllables than Glenn Beck is comfortable with?

Because you know what's going to fucking happen. According to the latest conversion tables, every Democrat caught with his pants off is worth 28.3 Republican sex scandals. Which means the bastards are not only caught up from the last two years, they've got a five- or six- scandal credit they can use between now and November.

In fact, there's only one Democrat who benefits from this: Gary Hart. You know that list they always read when recounting Democratic scandals so that they can keep pretending there's corruption parity? Well, after two decades, Gary Hart just got dropped off the bottom of the list*. Hooray!

The rest of us, on the other hand, get to suffer for your sins, Spitzer. Your easy-to-understand, photogenic, pronounceable sins. If you resign now, they'll only use your sport-fucking against the left for a decade or so. If you drag it out... Well, you'll think Gary Hart got off easy. So to speak.

* Based on age of the scandal, Teddy Kennedy would have been eligible for release, under normal circumstances; however, his last name ensures he'll have a lifetime membership.