Archive - Nov 5, 2008

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The Conditional Vacation

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Memo to the American People: YOU ARE EITHER DUMB, MEDIOCRE, OR DESERVING OF SLIGHT GRATITUDE.

First, the important news. I'll be taking my first ever break from the column starting tomorrow. It won't be a long break. Somewhere between two and five weekdays. I think we could all use it, honestly. At least, I know I could use it, and I'm projecting that need onto the audience because I can. So sometime next week - probably not Monday, but no later than Thursday - I'll pick up the keyboard again, having cleared the election bile out of my system and hopefully built up a nice reserve of non-election stupidity to rail against.

And I'm getting a head-start on the break by writing this way, way ahead of time. How can I get away with that? Simple. Being incredibly self-aware, I already know how I'm going to react to the three big possible outcomes of yesterday's election. So I'll just list them all here, in increasing order of probability, and you can enjoy them with the cold, post-election dawn shining in your backward-facing eyes.

WORST-CASE SCENARIO: PRESIDENT-ELECT JOHN MCCAIN.

America, go fuck yourselves. Oh, wait, that's redundant, because you already did. If McCain won, then either you're all even more racist than I gave you credit for, or the old bastard stole it despite around a seven point poll deficit and a Keystone Kops-level organization. Either are hallmarks of a world so completely insane that I'll need the entirety of my break, and them some, just to process how much I despise you all down to a level where I can be comically uncivil.

BEST-CASE SCENARIO: PRESIDENT-ELECT BARACK OBAMA, SIXTY DEMOCRATIC SENATORS

Congratulations, America. You finally figured out that things suck. Don't pat yourself on the back too hard, though. It took thousands of dead soldiers, a trillion dollars in corruption and mismanagement, and the complete collapse of the economic system to get you to notice.

Prepare for the worst. Remember how, back in 2001, all the Bush apologists said you couldn't blame him for the recession that started when he did, because all that trouble was years in the making, and clearly Bill Clinton's fault? Yeah, don't expect that argument to get trotted out in January. I guarantee you that as you read this, the Republicans have already started their guerrilla war against the Obama administration, and the media will be giving them cover for it under the banner of bipartisanship. Well, bipartisanship is for suckers. Words like "moderate", "centrism", "coalition", and "reaching across the aisle" are just code for Democrats not doing what we all put them in power to do. Don't stand for it. America has shifted so far to the right that the most radical leftist agenda Obama, Reid, and Pelosi could muster would only drag us back to Richard Fucking Nixon on the political spectrum. Remember that when you're being asked to compromise with the powerless.

MOST-LIKELY SCENARIO: PRESIDENT-ELECT BARACK OBAMA AND THE FOUR-YEAR FILIBUSTER.

This is going to suck. Let's say you've got a feral child, raised by wolves. You bring that feral child, wearing nothing but a loincloth and a thin layer of its own shit, into your white-collar office workplace because it's Take Your Feral Child To Work Day.

The feral child wants to make copies, but you won't let him. The feral child wants to make mud pies for Janice's retirement party, but you won't let him. The feral child wants to work on linked tables in Access, but you won't let him. In fact, you keep him away from everything. The donuts in the breakroom, the good markers in the supply cabinet, even Minesweeper. You tell him to sit in the hard plastic chair in the empty cubicle and be quiet.

Oh, and you give him a large, heavy stick to keep him occupied.

The resulting stick-rampage, which leaves the duplexer shattered, the donuts scattered, and the interns splattered, is inevitable. And so is the shit Republicans will pull at every opportunity. They will have one tool at their disposal. One means of exercising power and influence, with all else taken from them. And they will beat you over the head with it while you plead with them to be reasonable and cooperate for the good of the country. In other words, it's going to suck, big-time. But at least a senile, power-hungry, amoral fucktard isn't in charge.

See you next week.