Archive - Nov 21, 2008

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Small Improvements To The Door/Ass Ratio

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Memo to Julie Myers, E.D. Hill, and Carol Elliott: SEE YA, WOULDN'T WANNA BE YA.

The best part about the impending Obama administration is the increase in unemployment. Not among the general population, of course. That sucks. But amongst the very specific population of folks whose well-being relied upon the existence of a Bush administration, without whose patronage they would most likely be inquiring as to your choice of dipping sauce, or possibly competing on basic-cable reality TV.

Sure, a lot of the remaining loyal Bushies are being rewarded with posts deep in the protected civil service, where Obama can't get rid of them. But a few people whose employment requires a Republican atmosphere are out on their asses right now, so let's celebrate.

Take E.D. Hill, for example. She was, for about a decade, an anchor on Fox News*. Had an hour all to herself on Roger Ailes' portal to an alternate universe, until she uttered those three infamous words. Words so ridiculous that, even against the flag-draped background of Fantasy Island, they stood out in sharp relief. Remember, back in those bygone days when the election was close? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"A fist bump? A pound? A terrorist fist jab? The gesture everyone seems to interpret differently."

Well, guess who's not getting her terrorist fist contract renewed? Yes, even Fox News has decided it is over the Hill. And sure, this only increases the average I.Q. on Fox by a point and a half, but we take what we can get in this cold, cruel world. Plus, we get to take sick gleeful pleasure in whatever job she ends up in next. Fox is where you go when the other networks get sick of you (case in point, Glenn Beck), so where do you go when Fox gets sick of you? Let's find out together.

Then there's Julie Myers, who has resigned from her job as the head of Homeland Security's Immigration and Customs Enforcement division. Under normal circumstances, Julie Myers would have completed her tenure there without anyone knowing she existed, including her subordinates and her boss. But fate would intervene around Halloween of 2007, when Julie Myers presented the Best Costume Award at the ICE office Halloween party.

Oh, by the way, the costume was prison stripes, fake dreadlocks, and blackface makeup. Which was admittedly hilarious to a whole bunch of white Republicans whose job it is to round up suspicious brown people and deport them, but then it got out amongst normal people, who didn't actually think it was the wisest choice for "best costume". And now she is gone, and assuming there's even a Halloween party at ICE in 2009, they'll have to get someone else to judge it. Can't argue with that.

And finally, I'd like to bid a fond farewell to Grafton County treasurer Carol Elliott. Now, Carol Elliott wasn't technically a member of the Bush administration. But, like Bush, she was swept out of office as a result of increased voter turnout from first-time voters and young college students. Who all turned out to vote for 20-year-old Dartmouth College junior Vanessa Sievers. Normally, I would not care, but Elliott did not, shall we say, take the loss well:

"It was the brainwashed college kids that made the difference. You've got a teenybopper for a treasurer."

I have never in my life extrapolated that much bile, bitterness, and venom from the word "teenybopper". I imagine it spit out between rage-clenched teeth like the matriarchal villain from an Annette Funicello beach movie. You'd think Sievers thwarted Elliott's plan to use fake ghosts to scare Tim Conway off his oil-rich country home. If it's wrong to feel this good about thwarted entitlement, I never want to be right.

Three doors, three asses. It's not enough. It'll never be enough. But it'll tide me over until January.

*I think we can all automatically insert the sarcastic quotes around pretty much every noun from this point forward, can't we?