Archive - Nov 11, 2008

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Pissing In Your Cornflakes

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Memo to America: YOU ARE STILL DUMB.

Did you have a nice few days celebrating? Enjoying the fresh air, and the sound of the phrase "President-Elect Barack Hussein Obama" leaping joyfully off the tongues of a nation? Did you roll around in the misery of the right-wing blogosphere like it was a pile of money on a hotel bed? Did the sound of Supreme Court justices clicking on their My Documents folders to open up the letters of resignation they typed up back in '04 fill your heart with glee?

Good. Me too. And in a gesture of incredible graciousness on my part, I've let you enjoy that feeling for a week, which is about six days, 23 hours, and 50 minutes more than I got to enjoy it. Yes, Obama got an electoral vote landslide, and about as much of a popular vote landslide as American tribalism permits. But if you think that this country is seven percentage points smarter than it was in 2004, the party's over and it's time to wake the fuck up.

Proposition 8 passed. In California. Really? That's half of our Great Liberal Stronghold, and they're still threatened by Sulu eating fancy cake. This is complete and utter bullshit. Bullshit compounded by Arizona and Florida, where anti-gay constitutional amendments also passed, and with huge margins. But Californians had to look tens of thousands of their happily-married citizens in the eyes and snatch their rights away from them. And they did it with smiles on their faces.

Proposition 2, improving the humane treatment of animals, passed easily. Apparently the humane treatment of homosexuals is a lot lower on the average Californian's priority list.

Ted Stevens? Really? Ted Fucking Stevens? I mean, yeah, thanks to the creationist quiverfull moose-shooting governess who thought glasses made her look smart, we got our clearest picture yet of how fucked up Alaska is, but he's a CONVICTED FELON. Apparently Alaskan government has considerably looser hiring standards than the Anchorage Wal-Mart. But instead of Captain Tubes being pushed out onto the ice like he deserves, we're in the middle of a ridiculous down-to-the wire counting of absentee ballots.

And how could I not mention Minnesota's 6th District, who proved unable to stop shitting on the carpet despite having their noses rubbed in it three weeks before the election. No YAD holiday thanks to you, assholes. Calling for the media to investigate unpatriotic lawmakers shifted exactly one percent of voters away from Batshit Bachmann. Fucking unacceptable.

And, of course, there's NORM! The Teeth That Ate St. Paul refuses to relinquish power. And why? Because a bunch of fainting fucking flowers from the False Equivalency Squad got their knickers in a twist and voted for Dean Barkley to send a message about negative campaigning.

Message received. Lying and being a douchebag is currently ahead by 200 votes. Maybe the recount will shift things, but ALL of these races were no-brainers. Don't vote for criminals, crazy people, or assholes. Or to ruin the lives of people who aren't bothering you. Simple stuff that we once again, as a nation, fucking blew.

I really wanted to enjoy this, but no. Stupid people ruin everything, even my pristine godless joy at seeing Elizabeth Dole put herself out of work by being fucking vile when a decent chunk of the electorate decided that being fucking vile was no longer a virtue. But that sweet victory is tainted by our collectively awful batting average. As with so many things, I blame George W. Bush. His supreme awfulness at being President inflated the importance of the job so much that everyone became convinced a new President was the only thing that mattered. And it's not. We have to get the rest of this shit right too.